Nepotist v Whitchurch   (Report by Dale "Daisy" Atkinson)                                                               7 May 2006

Nepotist v Wellington Occasionals   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                         11 Jun 2006

Nepotist v Sinjuns Grammarians   (Report by Geoff "Merv" Dillon)                                                 18 Jun 2006

Nepotist v Valley End   (Report by Andrew "Roly" Monk)                                                                25 Jun 2006

Nepotist v Shepperton   (Report by Mark "Transport" Minehan)                                                        6 Aug 2006

ISIS Tournament Oxford   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                               19 & 20 Aug 2006

Nepotist v Hampstead   (Report by Dale "Daisy" Atkinson)                                                              28 Aug 2006

Nepotist v Shamley Green   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                                        3 Sep 2006

Nepotist v Epsom   (Report by Geoff "Merv" Dillon)                                                                          10 Sep 2006
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Nepotist v Whitchurch   (Report by Dale "Daisy" Atkinson)                                                                 7 May 2006

TOO THIN TO SPIN

There's a photo of Tony Grieg taken years before he became Kerry Packer's World Series Dressing room-Pimp-in-Chief, snapped maybe a decade before he even started collecting the thirty pieces of silver that Kerry would indulgently pay off over the next twenty-five-years through his unstinting patronage of Tony's dismal commentary career ("That's a big hit, it's going all the way! Or is it? No that's out! Straight down the throat of mid-on. Can you believe it?").

In the photograph Grieg is standing outside the pavilion of the Sussex County Cricket Ground, waiting to toss the coin. It's early May and the oval is blanketed in sour milk clouds and, clearly chilly, the Capetown born Sussex skipper is bracing himself against the unfamiliar cold of the early season climate, his hands lost in a truly enormous pair of brown leather gloves, two jumpers clearly visible beneath the large lambs wool lapels of his embroidered afghan coat.

The Nepotists are not short of members old enough to have owned an afghan coat in the years when stepping out in one might have attracted admiring glances but on this day, despite the cold, none were willing to confirm this in the most obvious way. Fashion obviously kicks along at a faster rate than climate change.

It rained steadily on Saturday and the grass of the Whitchurch outfield was too wet to cut until late Sunday morning. Fortunately the covers had been on overnight and the deck was dry, if still a little green. The roller was noisily making its way back to the pavilion when we arrived, scattering the horses in the field behind the pavilion. 

Mr Rick arrived a short time later, half a pint of bitter and a banana in tow. "We'll bat" he said perfunctorily before disappearing into the visitor's dressing room to commandeer the three-seater couch by the window. It would be a while before he emerged.

Nepo skippers have traditionally taken a rather relaxed approach to starting times and Gorto was relieved to find this attitude shared by the Whitchurch boss who, absently drawing on a roll up cigarette, offered a 30 minute delay to proceedings. Time well utilised by Steve Werren who arrived twenty minutes late, chuntering about the map reading skills of his passengers.

Gorto lost the toss but was spared the wrath of Mr Rick when he was sportingly invited to bat on a deck that looked like it might offer more than a little encouragement to the seamers. 

Nepotist veteran Roly Monk wandered out to open the innings with Bessborough signing Carl Hoar, who'd unwittingly already earned the rather uncreative and unflattering nickname 'Bessy' for all too obvious reasons.

The Whitchurch ground lies at the foot of what Roly Monk would later describe as a 'Proper Hill', decorated by a blaze of poplar, elk and other assorted vegetation in varying degrees of seasonal bloom. Ramblers occasionally launched assaults on the southern face of the 'Proper Hill' from the path running along the far side of the ground, becoming partially obscured by overgrown climbing roses and a row of poplars before disappearing altogether, then reappearing on the exposed upward slope a short time later. It looked a tough climb. 

Having a less tough time was Carl who has a stance and backlift a bit like Graham Gooch but shuffles forward with a bit more intent than the former England skipper. He hit the ball with power and managed to find the boundary on several occasions, even with shots played along the lush outfield. 

Roly Monk doesn't share Gooch's backlift but does possess a similar if somewhat more truncated physique to the former England man. On this occasion it appeared to be of no assistance as Monk, obviously missing Lewis Mapperson's moribund stroke play, staged something of a personal and drawn-out tribute to the erstwhile opener, struggling to 7 from 24 balls before surrendering meekly.

Another debutante, Clay, replaced Monk at the crease and set out after the bowling with plenty of endeavour, striking some sweet boundaries before attempting one lusty stroke too many. Gumtree was similarly breezy, and even managed to overshadow Carl's impressive technical display, with some innovative if somewhat unconventional stoke play of his own. Sadly his innings was brought to a painful, if temporary conclusion by a delivery that struck him square on the box, "the tip" apparently baring the brunt of the blow and forcing Gumtree back to the pavilion for some form of emergency treatment. Miracle treatment as it turned out when - appropriately enough - two balls later he was back at the crease and ready to go after Atkinson was bowled all over the place for an early season duck.

Daisy sulked off the field in a rather childish display which was magnificently contrasted a few balls later when Gumtree, bowled without adding to his pre-injury score, managed to fend off several opposition fielders to be the first to congratulate the bowler on his wicket and shake him by the hand. 

Earlier Carl's magnificent innings was brought to close in the only truly feasible fashion, by a spectacular one handed catch which had ballooned off his gloves from a brutally unplayable delivery. All of which left the Nepos five down with barely 100 on the board. This rapidly became seven down with barely 100 on the board when Dan Morrison and Steven Werren departed without troubling the scorers. 

A fight back was needed and duly delivered by the skipper and Mick Walker who managed to worsen Atkinson's sour mood by breaking his bat with the first ball he faced. Walker replaced the damaged willow and struck some crisp strokes, including a brace of sixes, before holing out to deep midwicket and bringing Deek Sutton to the crease for a brief four ball stay which included a boundary through point and a leg glance straight to the keeper. 

Summoning the energy to leave the couch, Mr Rick wandering out to the middle. Clearly still a little sleepy he padded up to a delivery that was clearly hitting the stumps. Why no one appealed remains a mystery but he and Funky took advantage and poured on a further 20 runs before Mr Rick finally holed out.

The Nepos headed into the tea break with the healthy, if unspectacular total of 191. Hoar, Donnelly, Walker and Gumtree the major contributors. 

Following a more than passable tea, Donnelly gathered his charges for what many believed would be an inspirational team talk but turned out in fact to be far more practical than inspirational in nature; "chase the ball all the way to the boundary... it's a good pill and we don't want to lose it!" he said.

When Roly pointed out that this wasn't the most encouraging pep-talk he'd ever heard and questioned whether Ricky Ponting would open with such a dismal phrase Donnelly replied that; "No, he probably doesn't, but when he does his pep-talks he's not looking around at you blokes either."

Touché

The Nepos took to the field with the square leg umpire, who strolled into position with his hands stuffed in his pockets and an enormous pipe clamped in the corner of his mouth. The aroma of pipe tobacco and wet, fresh cut grass mingling on the rapidly cooling breeze as a huge bank of slate grey clouds gathered up from the west and rain began to fall with the ground still swamped in brilliant sunshine. Fat, heavy spring time drops, crashing through thin cotton whites.

The opening pair of Mick and Mr Rick managed to remove three of the opposition batsmen between them before the rain was adjudged sufficiently heavy to warrant the temporary suspension of play. With the covers being drawn on the Nepotist dashed for the relative safety of the comfortably dishevelled pavilion, where Mr Rick, Roly and Deek Sutton snuggled on the three seater couch discussing 25 years of Nepotism and, in Mr Rick's case, 496 wickets for the lime green and magenta. Troy wandered around in the rain like a child intent on ruining his brand new trousers and getting his best shoes muddy.

After 15 minutes the rain had eased off enough to allow a restart. Funky had obviously put the time to good use and rang an immediate change taking the ball off Walker and offering it to debutante leg spinner Dan Morrison in extremely trying conditions. Morrison rose to the challenge making a mockery of the slippery conditions to bowl with outstanding control and guile, removing one batsmen shortly after the restart and troubling all. 

At the other end Deek Sutton had taken over from Mr Rick and was being equally troubling for the batsmen though less successful, his toils only rewarded after six excellent overs when he successfully appealed for an LBW decision.

At the other end the heavy, greasy ball was proving no hindrance to Morrison, who was conspiring to prevent others from taking part in the match by removing batsmen at steady intervals, typically just moments after Donnelly had decided to rest him from the attack. 

With seven wickets down victory looked beyond Whitchurch but fading light and dwindling overs meant the draw was still very much on the table. Atkinson entered the attack and managed to remove one of the remaining three wickets, but with just three overs left and some old heads still at the crease a Nepotist victory would require something special. And something special was delivered. 

Into his eleventh over on the trot but showing no signs of fatigue Morrison ripped one through the Whitchurch number 10's defences to bring the Nepotist to within one ball of a thrilling early season victory. As it turned out one ball was all that was required, a ball that drifted and dipped to the leg side before tearing past the outside edge of the lunging number 11's bat, dragging him irrecoverably out of his crease. Werren deftly whipped off the bails to crown a near faultless day in the field for the Nepotists and ensure Morrison a 'Michelle' on debut. A five-for that was garnished just 15 minutes later when the Nepotists' hero debutante was awarded the NACA for defying the club's "Too thin to spin" policy. 

Morrison 5-44 & NACA
Hoar 56
Nepotists all out 191
Whitchurch all out 126
Donnelly - relieved.
Next week - Royal Household.

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Nepotist v Wellington Occasionals   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                           11 Jun 2006

WORLD CUP TAKES BACK SEAT AS MONK TAKES SLIPS CATCH

Record books were being dusted off and history was made on Sunday as Andrew "Roly" Monk finally held on to a catch in the slips. 

Talk earlier had been focused on the brilliantly orchestrated own-goal by the Paraguyans the previous day but the World Cup was soon forgotten. Match report? What match? Who cares? All else was immaterial as a jubilant Monk was chaired from the field amidst much cheering and the occasional tear from the older members present. 

Comparisons were being made to the Keith Scott double in the gully back in '66 although an obviously overawed Roly struggled to justify these claims.

Nevertheless, as Roly set off on a celebratory lap of the field, a respectful and admittedly somewhat bemused opposition joined in the applause, despite the fact that they had just flogged us by 40 runs. They even volunteered to go and fetch him after he ran out of breath halfway round the marvellously picturesque no. 2 field in the grounds of Wellington College.

Unfortunately Roly was not the only one to run out of puff on this glorious summer's day. Set 196 to win in a 40 over match, the Nepos similarly wilted to be all out in the 34th over for 155*. 

* Editor's note 1: I write this sitting on an unusually late running, German train, the day after Australia's historic World Cup win v Japan in Kaiserslautern. I have no access to the scorebook and a somewhat sore head so all scores should be considered to be +/- 5 runs and my recollection of some of the facts may be a bit clouded. THAT catch however, definitely remains clear in the mind and we definitely lost to a team with an average age of 15 (Bomber come back! We need you - nobody sledges 13 year olds quite like you do)

The only man to trouble the scorer was the ever-reliable Carl "Bessy" Hoar with 52. The only other memorable occasions whilst batting involved a nameless Nepo taking an age to leave the middle after being contentiously given out caught behind** and skipper Dale "Daisy" Atkinson making his mark on the game by running out Dan "Monty" Morrison in the dying stages of the innings.

** Editor's note 2: Okay, it was me. And it came off my pad god dammit!

Earlier Daisy had continued Nepo tradition by losing the toss and being asked to field in the 28 degree sunshine. Steve "Wezza" Werren had earlier pulled out so your correspondent had been asked to put the pads on and an extra bowler in Geoff "Merv" Dillon was brought in. Merv can consider himself unlucky as in an inspired opening spell he beat the bat but somehow missed the stumps on numerous occasions.

At the other end, Mick "Maxy" Walker managed one wicket in between trying out the other pitches on the batting square. 4 x "5 Wides" must also be some kind of record.

Roly came on late to take 1 wicket for not many runs but the star with the ball was Monty with his 2nd 5 wicket haul for the season - including the aforementioned Roly classic catch. When Monty took the last wicket to end the Wellington innings on 195, he took his personal tally for the day to 6. The fact, however, that this occurred in the 31st over tells a rather expensive story to which all bowlers (Roly’s late, miserly and Bomber-esque overs aside) contributed.

As stated earlier though, the result was superfluous and the day belonged to one Roly "Safe-as-houses" Monk (as he now wishes to be known). To cap things off for the rotund veteran, the NACA vote went unsurprisingly and unanimously in his favour. Take a bow Roly!

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Nepotist v Sinjuns Grammarians   (Report by Geoff "Merv" Dillon)                                                   18 Jun 2006

NEPOS TEACH GRAMMARIANS A LESSON

On a day when Brazil trounced the Socceroos 2-0 in Germany , it was the Nepos own Samba Boys that starred in Wandsworth.  An incredible four old boys turned out as the World's Greatest Wandering team returned to its south London heartland against Sinjuns Grammarians.  Nepotist cricket was indeed coming home, and the prospect of Brazil on the tele (aided by some long-fused spinal vertebrae) inspired some fancy footwork in the field from veteran Samba trio Lennonardo, Hardio and Hayeshio.

But it was old boy no.4, Mr Rik, the Lime Green and Magenta's answer to Fred (ie a name you just cant make sound Brazilian no matter how hard you try) who was the Man of the Match on a day where he became the first to reach 500 career wickets for the Nepos. 

He finally beat Basher Balden to the milestone after lingering in the 490s since Pele was a youth team player, finally putting an end to a race that began before most Young Guns were even born.  Uncharacteristically perhaps, the wicket itself was quite worthy of such a landmark moment as the Sinjun's premier batsman sliced a good length ball into the eager hands of Carl Bessy Hoar in the gully. 

Typically though, there were no early indications that this was finally to be THE day.  Selected as an opening bowler, Rik duly arrived at the ground in the 10^th over of the innings after one-off captain Merv Dillon had lost the toss and been asked to field first.  Rik's first ball, when it finally arrived, bounced twice after passing the batsman owing to stand-in wicket-keeper Dave Stocks's failure to account for the 10 intervening years since he last kept for Rik!  But, having achieved his milestone, he immediately moved to 501 with his next delivery.  The hat-trick ball was survived, but that didn't matter as wife Linda was already rushing home to collect the pink champagne which had been on ice since the early part of the last decade.

Rik was well supported in the reduced 32 over affair by fellow medium pacers Merv, Deek and the impressive Daisy as the team formerly known as Old Grammarians were restricted to 166 for the loss of 8 wickets. 

In reply, the Nepos always looked in control with stalwart opener Bessy playing the lead anchor role to finish on 81no.  He was ably assisted early on by debutant Dave Denew (guy), who showed a Stocks-like elegance with his stroke-making.  Paul 'Brandy' Alexander , Stocksy himself and Nepo of the Year Tiger Tim Hardy all cameoed before local boy Peter Lennon joined Bessy to steer the LG&M safely toward the target.  You wouldn't have guessed that the Chairman had been away for so long as he batted beautifully, suggesting that we must have had a pretty handy team all those summers ago!

Once the cricket was over, Nepos and Nepo WAGS moved to the clubhouse and enjoyed a BBQ generously laid on by old boys Lennon and Hayes, while the unusually small Aussie contingent of Denew, Dillon and Atkinson sweated on the 'soccer' being played out over in Germany.  Outside, young Freddie Stocks was making his debut appearance at the cricket.

A half time NACA vote saw a flurry of nominations.  Hardy, not satisfied with merely dropping a catch off Merv's bowling, nominated his skipper for providing him with directions to the wrong ground and two different start times, continuing a feud which began when the Richie Benaud look-a-like robbed Dillon of a deserved NOTY crown in December.  Merv counter-nominated his more experienced teammate for arriving late and reminded him of his kit duties.

But all this was merely a sideshow as Mr Rik was always going to be wearing the infamous faux red velvet jacket.  And so it was when he received 10 votes to 1 to round off a marvellous day of Nepotism.

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Nepotist v Valley End   (Report by Andrew "Roly" Monk)                                                                  25 Jun 2006

BORING NEPOS FAIL TO FASHION VICTORY

A change in venue from the picturesque Valley End main arena to the functional, yet slightly municipal, Benning Lane ground can be blamed in part for the dullest match of the season. A toss won usually means a decision based on weather forecasts and pitch type, yet when the Queen’s head landed sunny side down a decision to field was due to a World Cup fixture and Bomber Dale’s travel arrangements.

 With 501 wickets to his name, Levi Rik, naturally opened up at one end and quickly moved to 502 career scalps thanks to a snorter of a catch at mid off from Funky. Coming down the hill was a rather rusty Marvel Mitchell whose first few balls owed much to his 6 hour drive from Liverpool. Those who complain of the odd hour or two from central London to village grounds near Roly and Stoney’s houses take note. Jerry Marvel straightened up and the home side slowed. A dull partnership ensued and so stand in skipper Roly Monk had no option but to utter the words all captains dread; “Bomber, next over please”!

 A day in the company of Her Majesty at Royal Ascot had dulled the Essendon man’s senses and Bomber’s radar also seemed totally defunct as runs began to flow. However, his pacey partner Stoney, was having a Billy Dane moment at the other end. For those younger Nepotists not familiar with Tiger and Scorcher comics of the mid 1970’s, Billy Dane owned a pair of football boots once worn by the legendary marksman, Dead Shot Keane. The boots caused Billy to play like Dead Shot making him the hero of many school matches. Stoney had packed his own cricket kit for this match and, naturally, had forgotten key items such as his cricket shirt and cricket flannels. He borrowed a pair of strides from the opposition pace man and promptly castled the number four with a quicker delivery.

 Then Bomber struck.

 We have all seen the Bomber long hop which flirts with the neighbouring wicket and know it to be a guaranteed wicket ball. This one tempted the batsman into top edging it to Marvel’s buckets at Gully. The groan in the Valley dressing room was audible, “Not again” seemed to be the call. They have long memories in these parts and Bomber has blitzed them every year this century.  It got worse for them when, with drizzle in the air, Roly clung on to a chance at square leg to put the stubble chinned sledger on a hat trick. The rain fell with more purpose as the next rabbit hopped out to confront the headlights of doom. The fielding side pleaded with the umpires to go off, a Bomber hat trick would be too much to bear.

 Fortunately the batsman survived and the rain then hammered into the dusty surrounds ensuring the World Cup could be followed from the pavilion. The precipitation also meant a longer digestion period for the superb tea. The highlight of which was a chocolate cake containing fragments of Cadbury Flake, a classy touch that raised the overall score to 8.47.

 199 in about forty overs should have been enough, but the World cup was to play its part. Bomber had to open to ensure he was out before his flight left for the vitally important last 16 clash with the Pizza Munchers. The innings started with news that Becks had curled one into the Ecuadorian net. This was too much for Leckers who had to be excused to curl something of his own into a more porcelain based receptacle. Jacko slammed sixteen from the first nine balls of the innings before the previously benign pitch reacted to the rain before tea. The Gay Victorian shaped to leave one outside off stump only to double up in pain as it spat back into his ever expanding girth. Back in the ‘80’s the ball would have merely clanked against a rib and dropped to the turf. But his middle aged spread ensured this blow pinged wildly back to off stump and he was gone.

 Bessy again blasted away from the start and was soon in the forties. However, even he began to slow as a change in bowling made life tricky. Bomber went for 15, much to Jacko’s relief as he was fearful of being outscored by his cousin for the first time in their forty year association. But with 100 needed and seven wickets in hand this was a game that should have been won. Unfortunately 100 for three quickly became 135 for 9 as Stocker, Roly, Funky and Werren were unable to build on Bessy (64) and Lec’s (21) fine foundations. Even Stoney in his borrowed kit could not reproduce his bowling form and was soon emerging, showered, from the changing facility. It looked as if he had had to borrow yet more clothes as surely this ensemble was not of his own doing? German tourist type white socks and open toed sandles beneath khaki storm trooper cargo shorts and a floppy pink shirt topped off with a leather cowboy hat! The NACA vote that followed the game saving partnership between the aged seamers was a foregone conclusion. Stoney needed some decent clothes if he was going to get into the club bar and an email has already been forwarded to Trinnie and Susannah.

 The inquest that followed this boring draw on an otherwise great day for English sport concluded that with an average age of 45 this side was too old to win. You young guns out there can be sure of a call this week!

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Nepotist v Shepperton   (Report by Mark "Transport" Minehan)                                                          6 Aug 2006

HUNGRY NEPOS HAVE NO STOMACH FOR VICTORY

England’s history is ripe with predatory activity, however, whether it’s Jack the Ripper or the Beast of Bodmin Moor that comes to mind, none posses the hunger of a wandering Nepotist cricket team.

Sunday was no exception when the mighty lime green and magenta army (backed up by a platoon of over 4 spectators) marched en masse into battle to take on the Shepperton Cricket Club in South West London.

The conditions were perfect for cricket with patchy cloud casually invading an otherwise perfect blue sky and the odd breeze gently punctuating the mild humidity.

Skipper Donnelly won the toss and elected to bat first. This was based on the (false as it turned out) assumption that it would be the lunch midway through the Nepo innings and a desire not to be fielding on a full stomach. Sadly he failed to take into account the tea break which as we all know is where the real danger lurks.

It was a confident Daisy who took strike over Jackson and the openers got off to a flyer. Unfortunately for the Nepos “the flyer” is referring, not to a large amount of runs, but instead to the ball “flying” off the pitch. Neither looked comfortable at the crease and Daisy was dismissed on the rather unlucky number of 13 bringing Mick ‘The Rock’ Walker to the crease. Jackson then took it upon himself to finally achieve what he’s always yearned for in his glittering Nepo career: to double Daisy’s score when opening the batting with him at Shepperton. To his credit this lofty aim was a success and indeed he even surpassed his goal before finally being dismissed with a total of 27 to his name. 

Young guns Thomas Andrew (11) and Clay (2) were deemed to be out in quick succession with Walker, striking a marvellous Nepo face saving 43 before his demise. This bought the skipper to the crease. 

Obviously suffering from the early night and small amount of alcohol consumed at the famous Steve Werren Hawaiian party the previous evening, he could only mange to slash two quick fours before heading back to the pavilion. Transport in his first match for a year then accidentally glanced a ball down leg side for four runs but was soon sitting on the sidelines after being bowled by the ball of the millennium. This  gave him that little extra time he required to mentally prepare for the gastronomical delights that would soon appear on the lunch table. 

It was at this point that Darren Mould’s love child Darren Glover strode to the centre and nonchalantly smashed the first ball he faced into the change rooms for six. 99 times out of 100 this is how Glove likes to approach his innings and after another booming six over mid wicket in the next over he never looked like getting out. Of course looks can be deceiving and he was promptly bowled by a ball that he claimed was the ball of the millennium (hello, deja vous). Young Alex Scott was next out in the centre of the field and the next back into the change room for 2 leaving Mr Rik, once again robbed of a certain half century, stranded on 1n.o.

In 34 ordinary overs, where the opposing side did not bowl their gun fast bowler, the might of the Nepos was reduced to rubble with a score of just 165 on the board.

An unprecedented 1.5 hour lunch followed where wine flowed and stories of past Nep v Shep matches were regaled with delight and fondness. A toast was drunk to our fallen comrades and the perpetual trophy was bought out to the table adding further fuel to the dwindling fire.

After Lunch the Nepos were off to a great start with Mr Rik and Glove sharing the new ball. The pair managed three valuable wickets between them with Rik being the obvious aggressor and finishing with 2/25 as opposed to Glove’s 1/33. Transport, lucky not to be stretchered off after straining a hamstring reaching for a glass of Rioja at fine leg, bowled at first change and in an inspired first two overs had the figures of 2 for 0. Skipper Donnelly was also bowling steadily before the destroyer appeared, yes it was time for the tea break.

With more sandwiches than Nepo runs and more doughnuts than a Roly Monk birthday spread, the table presented the day's biggest challenge. Once again Tranny claimed some major scalps with the pizza tray being his most notable victim although the cake plate was not far behind.

After tea, unfortunately for Tranny, all the planets then came out of alignment and the universe returned to normal as his last 3.5 overs yielded 29 runs. Donnelly was backed up with some brilliant leg spinning from young gun Alex who, whilst not being rewarded with a wicket, was the pick of the bowlers. His leggies were just too good for the batsman and he went past the outside edge at least seven times in each six ball over as he finished with 0/36 off nine overs. Alas for the Nepos, his bowling was also a little too good for the fieldsman and a number of byes were recorded against Daisy’s name in the scorebook as the keeper struggled to pick the doosra. A brief cameo from Jackson who trundled in for an over was unsuccessful in terms of wickets but successful in terms of laughs (0/4) and with the skipper finishing with figures of 2/27, well you only need to do your sums to figure out the obvious.

We Lost.

After failing to produce the aforementioned promised hunger, the Nepo teeth were all promptly extracted and they were left sucking a lemon as for the first time since the perpetual trophy’s inception it was in the hands of the S.C.C.

At least there was no mention of Bomber on the day…..oh bugger!!!!

Sunday August 13^th is another day and as the Nepos look towards a new set of dentures, Epsom is beckoning.

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ISIS Tournament Oxford   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                                19 & 20 Aug 2006

ISIS TAMPERING SCANDAL ROCKS CRICKETING WORLD
Post Modernists Awarded Victory in "controversial circumstances"

The cricket world is in turmoil today amidst allegations of donut tampering and golf ball substitution 

The post-tea session of the final of the annual ISIS Trophy Tournament was delayed as the Nepotists refused to come back onto the field after allegations of donut tampering were levelled at them by the most influential person in Sunday cricket - the tea lady.

"Quite clearly the jam had been removed from a number of the donuts and although there was no photographic evidence the short fat bloke in the Nepo jumper was constantly seen hovering around the dessert table" said an unnamed source.

In an exclusive interview, a Nepo spokesman known as Inzaman-ul-Monk, replied "The allegations are utter nonsense. The standard of donuts across the country has been dropping dramatically over the past few years. Why do you think they're called a jam donut people??! It's supposed to be jam with a bit of donut but these days you're lucky to find a drop of the red stuff. Pass me some more of that excellent strawberry tart will you?"

The Nepo captain Stoney Robinson denied there had been any malice in the delayed restart. "We were simply trying to voice our opinion in a non-confrontational manner. That and the fact our strike bowler still had half a cup of tea left to finish."

He did go on to counter-claim alleged cheating from the opposition. "A number of our players were duped into downing their pints at the BBQ last night by a fake golf ball. This was obviously a deliberate ploy by the Post Modernists to create an unfair advantage. This was borne out again in the early hours of the morning when the Nepos realised they were the only people left in the bar"

Talks of any future Nepo boycott were averted however when it was pointed out that the opposition had actually been awarded the victory on the basis that, batting 2nd, they had passed the Nepos meagre total in the 33rd over of their 40 over innings.

Batting 1st the Nepos had started promisingly with openers Monk and Jackson adding 74 before Jacko was caught after making a start for 25. Unfortunately the innings was littered with starts but at the death there was nobody to finish and the lower order were forced to throw their wickets away as the Nepos staggered to 199 for 7 from their 40 overs.

In reply the Post Modernists got off to a flyer scoring 44 in the opening 7 overs from bowlers Dillon and Sutton. The introduction of Monk and Donnelly saw the required run rate rise as the pair bowled 16 miserly overs between them. Their departure after tea however, saw the PM's left handed opener bring up a chanceless 100 in quick time and his team's victory shortly after for the loss of only 2 wickets.

Questions were being asked about selection policy after the previous day's nail biting victory. 4 players from that glorious victory were dropped by skipper/manager Sven Goran Robinson despite guiding their team to the final. 

The Saturday game had seen the Nepos similarly batting first and posting an almost identical 200 from their 40 overs courtesy of 46 from Werren and an undefeated 87 from Sutton. (In fact questions have also been asked if the missing donut jam has indeed been taken by the Nepos to facilitate the large amount of red ink required each year for that man Deek Sutton). The last 110 of the innings came from just 10 overs and saw some lusty hitting cameos from Donnelly and O'Shea.

In reply the erstwhile RNVR (playing under the ECB rebranding policy as ANA) were struggling until some Chris Cairns-esque big hitting in the middle order saw the field spread to the boundary and the game tilt in their favour.

As the rain began to pour it was Donnelly who stepped up to produce season best figures of 34 for 5 including the last 2 wickets in 2 balls to seal an 11 run victory with 13 balls left unbowled.

This, however, was all a distant memory as the ISIS trophy was handed for the 1st time to the delighted Post Modernists on Sunday evening.

Scandals and controversies aside, a great time (and feast) was had by all and the Nepotists especially look forward to lining up again next year.

The Saturday NACA was awarded to Sven Goran Robinson for selection discrepancies while the Sunday award was taken unanimously by opening bowler Merv Dillon for his Andre Nel like dummy spitting display after a standard Nepo mis-field. A special "guest" NACA award (AKA the Darrel Hair award) was awarded to the PM captain Woody for some inspired umpiring decisions, including the signalling of a leg-side wide after the ball rebounded off the batsman's pad back down the pitch to the bowler.

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Nepotist v Hampstead   (Report by Dale "Daisy" Atkinson)                                                               28 Aug 2006  

BROKEN ANKLE THREATENS TO FRACTURE CLUB

The Nepotist Cricket Club was again plunged into turmoil last night after it emerged that utility Dale Atkinson has initiated legal proceedings against the club and at least one senior player.

Atkinson is suing the club for damages relating to loss of earnings and pain and suffering following an incident at the Hampstead Cricket Ground in which he sustained a broken ankle.

It is understood that opening bowler Geoff Dillon has also been named in the action. 

The explosive revelation became public shortly after a meeting between senior management and players and was confirmed in a brief statement issued by the club’s board. 

The basis of the legal action has not been formally announced but documents obtained by Nepotist.com cite “negligently wayward bowling” and “a culture of incompetence” as the direct cause of the injury which occurred while diving for a wide ball which had evaded the keeper.

These claims were dismissed by at least one unnamed senior Nepotist who said that neither bowler nor club could be held responsible for “reckless and irrational acrobatics” in the outfield.

However, reports of a dressing room split gained currency after another member weighed into the debate in favour of the injured Atkinson: “As far as I’m concerned it was only a matter of time before someone got seriously injured. Week after week we’re being asked to defend the boundaries against wayward and incompetent bowling. Maybe this will be the wake up call the club needs.” 

Unconfirmed reports that Atkinson has engaged the services of 2005 Nepotist of the Year Tim Hardy QC as his legal representative have further fuelled talk of factional infighting.

Mr Hardy has so far ignored all questions put to him. 

An appeal from club captain Luke Donnelly for the issue to be settled behind closed doors also fell on deaf ears with one senior player heard to say: “I never listen to any of the rubbish he spouts in the field and I don’t see any reason to start now.”

Nepotist Chairman Peter Lennon backed his skipper calling for a swift resolution for the sake of outgoing legend Bruce Jackson, whose testimonial dinner will be held at the Chairman’s club in a fortnight: “Petty rivalry and unmanly squabbling simply have no place in the Oxford and Cambridge Club.

“I don’t believe this situation is irrecoverable and I’m determined to muck in and work jolly hard to heal whatever rifts might exist ahead of Bruce’s testimonial dinner, be it between player and player or player and club. However, I have taken the added precaution of asking the master at arms to oil the duelling pistols should Daisy and Merv wish to settle this like gentlemen.”

Jackson himself downplayed the significance of the feud: “There are bigger issues at stake here, like just how far up the averages has this week’s unbeaten match winning hundred put me?”

With AGM voting less than two months away speculation is rife that several senior Nepotists are looking to take advantage of the turmoil to improve their position at the club.

So far Andrew Monk has been the only Nepotist to be drawn on the issue: “I make no secret of the fact I’ll be putting myself forward for the best possible position at this year’s annual dinner. Somewhere near the dessert buffet would be ideal.”

Worryingly for the club Monk also raised the prospect of walking out after nearly two decades of service: “Look, I’m not going to take sides. I didn’t even see the incident. But I will tell you this; it has to be resolved before next season. If this feud in any way jeopardises next year’s tea fixture I’ll have to think very seriously about my future with the club.”

At a hastily convened press conference club keeper Steve Werren described the current furore as “ridiculous” before launching into an elaborate story about the time he sprained his ankle wrestling a twelve-foot Mako Shark in a Noosa swimming pool.

Nepotist.com has been unable to confirm if he did in fact overcome the unfortunate animal with a pair of ice tongs and a cocktail olive.

Club stalwart Colin ‘Bomber’ Dale announced that he would be returning to the UK immediately in an attempt to mediate a solution and attend the Npower one day series.

Speaking from the complimentary phone in the Qantas lounge at the Melbourne International Airport Mr Dale urged Atkinson to drop the legal action: “There’s only one way to solve this issue and that’s to talk it out over a beer, so I’ve packed my esky and I’m on my way. I plan to sit everyone down and talk at them until an amicable solution can be found.”

Mr Dale is also planning to use the trip to aid Atkinson’s recovery: “I think it would be good for Daisy to mine the rich vein of knowledge I picked up as a result of my knee reconstruction. I plan to sit him down and discuss the whole process of recovering from serious leg trauma, talking him right through everything from what he can expect from his injury to my triumphant return to full fitness and subsequent completion of the London Marathon. It’s a ripper story.

“Look, I’d love to talk some more but some bloke in a blazer is eyeing off my esky and there’s a dozen crown largers in the complimentary fridge I have to claim before the rest of the bloody club members make it through check in.”

Nepotist playboy Lewis Mapperson issued a brief statement from the lobby of his Johannesburg guest house which simply stated: “Junk! I *&^%$£ ya mother.”

Both Dillon and Atkinson were unavailable for comment.

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Nepotist v Shamley Green   (Report by Luke "Funky" Donnelly)                                                         3 Sep 2006   

JACKO GOES OUT IN STYLE
"All farewells should be sudden, when forever." Lord Byron

Anyone who saw Jack Nicklaus' 15 foot birdie putt disappear into the final hole at the final tournament he ever played - the 2005 British Open - would have been hard pushed to think of a more fitting farewell. Until now that is.

A large crowd of friends and supporters were in attendance to see Bruce "Jacko" Jackson turn out for the mighty Lime Green and Magenta for the final time last weekend against the traditionally hard to beat Shamley Green.

As well as being the birthplace of Richard Branson, it is now the home of Nepotist founding member Jim Drummond, who once again provided a high quality feast prior to the contest. Even more traditionally the Nepos realised as the designated starting time rolled around that they were the only ones left drinking at the bar. As Stocker struggled to polish off the leftover sticky toffee puddings, the rest of us feverishly downed as many free beers and quality wines as we could while the opposition was attempting to make light of the recent downpours and prepare the pitch.

Upon winning the toss, skipper Funky had no hesitation in putting the opposition in to bat. Previous years had shown that fielding first was a distinct advantage on the half village green / half motorway that is Shamley Green CC. Another great opening spell from the never-to-retire Mr Rik confirmed this and was matched at the other end by the chuntering Merv Dillon as the innings started slowly. 

That changed with the introduction of the skipper and Roly Monk, both of whom were dispatched to all parts of Shamley. The introduction of 2nd generation Nepo, Ben "Pebbles" Robinson seemed similarly doomed with 16 runs coming from his first 3 deliveries until in a very un-Robinson-like manner he picked up 2 wickets in 2 balls and conceded only 11 runs in his next 13 deliveries.

A brief flurry of slow dibbly-dobblers from the exiting Jacko followed by the return of Merv and Funky at the death saw Shamley all out on the last ball of their 30 overs for a gettable but definitely challenging 156.

Stoney had the honour of escorting Jacko to the middle to open the Nepo innings. Having been humbled in the bowling department by son Ben, he had a point to prove. Although a previous best over the last 2 seasons of 0 meant it wasn't a big point, the once hirsute veteran held his own as they put on 58 for the opening wicket before falling caught behind.

And then came the fireworks.

As well as being the Branson birthplace, Shamley Green was also where Australian wicket keeper Ian Healy once spent a night in the bus shelter next to the ground. Any effort to sleep with Jacko on strike would have been in vain as the great Victorian peppered bus shelters, neighbouring outhouses and passing cars alike with some brutal but majestic hitting off the hapless opposition bowlers.

As the victory target rapidly approached the question was not one of victory or defeat but could the swan-song be perfect with the 2nd 100 in 2 weeks for Jacko. Perhaps it was the sun in his eyes, perhaps even a tear as the occasion became too much for him, or perhaps he just realised that a not out against his name would guarantee the yearly batting averages for one last time, it was not to be as Jacko declined the strike and Stocker put the opposition out of their misery with some boundaries of his own.

Victory to the Nepos in the 20th over and by 9 wickets. Farewell to a loyal Nepotist. 

For the record: Jacko's final innings of 92 Not Out included 6 sixes and 12 fours. His first 50 came in 30 balls and the next 42 in just 14.

His career stats are being updated but mostly can be found online here 

No record of the number of career NACAs won but I can confirm after a closely contested vote (with Stoney nominated after the being seen talking on his mobile phone at long off in the middle of one of his son's overs) Jacko was wearing the pink wig and the lime green and magenta jacket after the game.

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Nepotist v Epsom   (Report by Geoff "Merv" Dillon)                                                                          10 Sep 2006   

FUNKY JUST GOES
"Pis# Off You Lucky Prick" Bomber Dale

It seems that at the end of every season an Antipodean Nepotist Legend decides that life in England has run it's course, and that the time to head back Down Under to make a better life has come. And so it was... last week when Jacko played his final game for the mighty Lime Green & Magenta. 

But amongst all the fanfare of black tie dinners, swashbuckling centuries, and guards of honour, the announcement by David Luke Donnelly that it is also his time to head home hardly rated a mention, or in cricketing parlance had barely troubled the scorers.

On the platform at Clapham Junction on Sunday, it was clear that the lack of recognition had got to him.  He was a broken man, who bore all the signs of a heavy night of drinking and very poor personal grooming. 

Ironically, in the corresponding fixture last year, his great mate Steve Werren had spent 38 of the 40 overs sleeping off a massive hangover in the fine leg/long off region.  On the train to Epsom there was precious little reason to expect any greater contribution on this occasion from the man they call Funky. 

But the boy from Bundaberg, in his 64th match for the Nepos, summonsed his resources for one final game as he led out a fired-up, if woefully late-arriving, Nepotists outfit at Epsom.

Personal rivalries were put aside as he handed Merv - just one wicket behind his skipper in the race for Most Wickets 2006 - the new ball.  Mixed feelings must have followed as 20 runs came off the firebrand’s first two overs.   Fortunately for the Nepos, at the other end Mr Rik was delivering a farewell gift of tremendous value.  He bagged three quality dismissals in an opening spell of pure class, which was later complimented by a first diving save in the outfield since 1986.

Chook and Cook manfully toiled through the middle overs as Epsom steadied, before the former admitted aloud to “feeling my groin”.  His captain consequently ‘pulled’ him and how the entire episode escaped the official NACA censorship committee, this reporter will never know!  Meanwhile, the skipper took over with his effervescent off-spin and brought his season wicket tally up to 22, a figure eventually equalled in a late rally by Merv with the final ball of the season.  The two Queenslanders, who have played more games than anyone else in season 2006, led the team off the field.

A total of 223 seemed gettable on the lightning fast outfield in perfect batting conditions, but with a distinct lack of proven run-scorers at this level, it was always going to be a challenge.

The home side’s opening bowlers were strong and kept the run rate down.  Despite impressive debuts from Donkin, McGushin and Reece ‘Spoon’ Bolton, wickets fell regularly.   Gumtree was air-dropped in for one of his cameos and even notched up his first non-agricultural cricket stroke for the club - a delightfully controlled pull shot.  But ultimately, the scene was set for one final great rescue mission.  The skipper strode to the wicket under that distinctive blue helmet and began in his usual bold, inimitable fashion.  Trouble was that 29 runs later, he perished in his usual bold, inimitable fashion – caught in the deep.  

After that Stevie ‘Wondergloves’ Werren posted his highest score of the season, an impressive 55no, as he and Merv added respectability to the total and at one point even threatened to steal the game.  But it was not to be as the Nepos couldn’t provide the match-winning send-off the captain so richly deserved. 

Funky was last seen disappearing on the 219 bus from Clapham Junction, lime green and magenta jacket proudly adorning his slumped shoulders.

And so we say goodbye, at least for now, to another great servant of the club, whose contribution both on and off the field will be sorely missed.  On the plus side there should be no need to stock cider on Tour next season.

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