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Chasing just 153 for victory (40 overs match) in the first 2005 outing against Teddington, a woeful display by an almost full-strength batting line up (Tim Hardy unavailable) crashed 30 runs short of their target. The heroic Nepo bowlers looked on dismay as one by one the batsman headed back to the pavilion. It was not too long before it became obvious that the Nepo's new Funky dawn was nothing but hopeful, AGM chardonnay fuelled thinking ... In fact, even before the match started, the Nepotists fell back into the bad old days. Naturally we were 3 players short at the beginning of the game and naturally they were the only 3 Poms in the starting X1! Matters only got worse in the very first over of the season as Merv's third ball caught a thick outside edge, straight to keeper Werren and straight out! This started the usual trend, with at least 4 other catches going down and also to usual "reliable" fielders such as Jackson, Donnelly and Dale. Despite this normal pathetic ness, it was a sterling performance by the bowlers with all 5 picking up wickets. Your correspondent was naturally thrilled to nab 4 with "reverse in-swinging pops", with 2 to Funky, one to Merv, Transport and Simon (ant) on debut. As with the fielding, the chase started in typical diabolical fashion - Lewie out for 0. Jacko did Werren and had a brain explosion on 36. No need for brain explosions from Werren as he got out also for 0 (we don't count leg byes). Mick Berdon was promising for his 9. Stocks was awful for his 4. John (4) got fingered by Transport after slogging it onto his pad. Simon made just 2. A short rally from Merv (11) and Funky (25) raised hopes briefly until your correspondent missed an "unplayable" straight ball from a 10-year-old for 0, leaving Transport stranded on 12. The first jacket of the season was
awarded to a Pom - David Stocks whose amazing diving "saves" in the field always
seemed to leave his trousers squeaky clean ... But if ever there was a ground for records, Frensham is the one. In previous encounters the highest score by a Nepo was achieved here (Bruce "Jacko" Jackson 163 n.o.), the highest score by a Nepo Steve Stone look-a-like (Mark "Stoney" Robinson 69) and even the Bunny's Bunny, Colin "Bomber" Dale had achieved a century here in his younger days. Fortunately for all concerned it was Bomber's bowling figures that passed the landmark on that day but it was a Nepo record nevertheless. In the first ever televised Nepotist fixture, the toss was won (for a record-breaking 2nd week in a row) by Funky and he had no hesitation in electing to bat. The official reason was that we chase like a team of pursuit cyclists who've had their bikes stolen (which we do - see last match report) but the real reason was that the star of the show Bruce "Basher" "Hasselhof" Balden was still in makeup. Fortunately Lewis "Lewy" Mapperson and Jacko always do their own makeup at home so it was they who were first out in the middle for the mighty Lime Green and Magenta. Although 3 of the first 5 overs were maidens the other 2 went for 12 and 17 giving an indication of what was to come. The first record with the bat came when at one stage Lewy on 13 (4,4,4,1) finally managed to outscore his opening partner as Jacko was only on 12 (6,6). This soon changed as "clever farming of the strike" as he calls it or "taking a single off the last ball of every over" as it's known to everyone else saw Jacko accelerate to yet another half century as Lewy spent his time waving to the cameras from the non-strikers end. When he did finally get back on strike, Lewy uncharacteristically chopped one onto his stumps (for a record breaking 5th time in a row) and was out for 27 with the score on 93. Tim "Hannibal" Hardy strode confidently to the crease, confidently nicked the 1st ball he faced with the inside edge and strode confidently off again. He was neither bowled nor caught but it had started to rain so heavily that Jacko was worried he'd lose count of balls remaining, so the players left the field. After a short break, play resumed. Once again "confident Tim" as he was now becoming known strode to the middle, faced a few balls and strode from the field for the 2nd time. This time there was no rain to escort him off, only the celebrations of the fielders as he departed for nought and another round of kit duty. (Actually there was rain but not enough to warrant a break - this is England in May after all) There was a flurry of camera activity that many thought heralded the entry of Hasselhof Balden to the middle. As it turned out the camera crew were just attempting to escape from Bomber who was into the 2nd half hour of his knee operation story. It was Stoney who eventually made it to the middle and hopes of another big score were high until one crossbat too many saw him back in the pavilion, bowled for 6. There was no doubt this time who was coming in. The spot lights went on, the theme song from Baywatch blared from the loud speakers and the man of the people himself "Basher" Balden put the finishing touches to his fake tan and practically sprinted out to take strike. And the cameras got what they wanted. The Buzz as Basher took strike. The Drama as his first shot in anger skied towards the fine leg fielder. The atmosphere as the crowd* went up as one after the ball just cleared the fielder and went away for 4. (* There was indeed a good turnout. Mention the words "TV cameras" and it's amazing how it gets bums on seats. Robin "El Presidente" L'Oste Brown even put in an appearance although his full regimental uniform was apparently a bit off-putting for the girls team playing on the adjacent field and he was soon asked to leave) Meanwhile, the Jacko express rolled on and with the cameras focused firmly on the other end he brought up yet another century for the Nepos. Shortly afterwards Basher was dismissed for a crowd pleasing 25. His WG Grace like appeal that "they're here to see me bat not you bowl" was similarly dismissed and he was on his way back to his private trailer / dressing room. Thoughts of a traditional Nepo collapse were dispelled as Chris "Derek Leck Leck" Leckenby ground his way to a well made half century despite the best efforts of Jacko to run him out. Jacko closed in on the illusive 200. With his score on 196 and the sounds of the call from the ACB to join this Summer's Ashes tour already ringing in his ears he spooned a gentle catch back to the bowler. (He still got a call but it was from Greg Norman offering counselling) At this stage Funky decided he'd seen enough so the innings ended on that fateful shot with the score on 315. Tea, as always at Frensham, was brilliant and achieved a record breaking 4th, 4 star + rating in a row. "Wezza" Werren, the Nepos nuggety keeper, attempted to break Darren "Guts" Moulds' ground record 15 sandwiches* from 4 years ago but he tragically ran out of time and fell a few short. He did however manage to get so full that he had to give up the gloves after a short stint behind the stumps and missed all but 5 overs of the innings. (* The overall record as everyone knows is held by Andrew "Roly" Monk and was set at Ham And Petersham last year. The exact amount is unknown as at last report he was still going) The ever present threat of further rain and the knowledge that 300 is not a difficult score on this ground - especially with Bomber bowling - meant that the Nepos knew the job was only half done. The new ball was handed to Mark "Transport" Minehan and the soon to depart Matthew "Mattress" Glynn and both Nepo openers bowled with a mixture of consistency and cunning variety. They consistently bowled down leg side and cunningly varied the length between long hops and full tosses. The ploy proved successful when Transport trapped one opener on the pads a foot outside leg stump and he was given out LBW. In his defence the umpire was under the impression that the stumps had to be that far across as that was where every ball was going. The instructions from the outgoing batsman to his successor were simple and at that stage accurate. "It's all going down leg." Unfortunately for the number 3 he was wrong. The umpire got a good indication of the exact location of the stumps when they were knocked over by a Transport straight one the very next ball. Mattress was taken off after just 2 entertaining overs to enable some essential mullet repair and was replaced by the skipper at the "Bomber Catch-it tree" end. While Funky was slightly less expensive he was equally unsuccessful. Soon the cries of "BRING ON BASHER!" coming from both spectators and camera crew alike were drowning out the cries of "BRING ON BOMBER!" coming from the opposition and Bomber himself. So it was that our very own "working class hero" was thrown the ball which in true Nepo fashion he dropped before blaming the non-existent sun. Bowing to opposition pressure (necessary as we were trying to get away with playing 12 men so Basher could run off for a never-ending stream of interviews) Bomber was brought on from the other end. The opposition, camera crews and on-the-edge-of-their-seats spectators were all left speechless as Bomber managed to have the opposition's leading batsman stumped in his first over. We of course have seen it all before but we did all bow our heads in respect for yet another quality victim to the questionably legal but definitely immoral offerings of the self-styled Lollipop King. From then on resistance, as the Daleks would say, was futile. Bomber added a tragic total of 2 more to his collection, Basher came and went depending on whether the cameras were rolling or not but still managed to take a wicket. John "Ant or Dec" Horton came on for his maiden Nepo spell and ripped the heart out of the middle and lower order with a fine spell which yielded 3 wickets for not many runs. Mattress came back to take 1 for himself and all of a sudden we were back in the bar celebrating the first Nepo victory for season 2005. The NACA was keenly contested as always and came down to a close call between Basher and Jacko. However the mighty Jacko's strike hogging tendencies, culminating in his refusal to take singles early in the over when on 196, tipped the vote in his favour and once again he donned the Lime Green and Magenta Jacket along with the pink wig. Stats: Nepos won the toss and batted. Jackson 196 Mapperson 27 Hardy 0 Robinson 6 Balden 25 Leckenby 69 not out Nepos 315 for 5 dec from 39.3 overs In Reply Frensham were All Out 137 Minehan 6 overs, 1 maidens, 38 for 2 Glynn 3 overs, 0 maidens, 30 for 1 Donnelly 4 overs, 0 maidens, 20 for 0 Dale 3 overs, 0 maidens, 15 for 3 Balden 6 overs, 1 maidens, 21 for 1 Horton 4.3 overs, 1 maidens, 8 for 3 NACA Jackson ITV's 7up series will be screening
excerpts from the game some time in September (unless of course Sky Sports or
The Comedy Channel pick it up first) After a crushing victory over Frensham the wheels suddenly flew off Funky's sick and sorry bunch. Batting first, the Nepos crawled to a boring 143-9 which the Royal Household picked off with ease, winning by 9 wickets and with 18 overs to spare. What went wrong? Was it the fact that the Nepos were short because of Werren fresh out of hospital spent the day soiling the royal turf screaming "Ruth" continually and Hannibal Hardy twice leaving the crease with a "light head". Was it a case of "No Jacko - no Nepos"? Was it another example of appalling captaincy? Or were we just crap? I would suggest all of the above. With the Gay Victorian electing not to play in a desperate attempt to wrestle "Nepo father of the year" title off Philip Challinor, Gorto rushed back Grahameeeeeie Lawes from retirement as his replacement. Lasting just 3 balls, Lawsie ended up exactly 196 runs short of Jacko's knock the previous week. Thanks for coming Grahameeeeeeie ... That left the hard work to be done by Nepo's own "Geoff Boycott-Chris Tavare" - Lewis Mapperson. Ball after ball, over after over, in coming and out going batsman came and went as he nudged, blocked and played his favorite late cut, boring the adoring fans to death as the Nepo innings failed to take off. He ended up with the top score of 39 (I think) just to prove how bad we were. David Stocks went out to bat sure in the knowledge he was going to be slagged off in the match report. So in desperation he flung his bat at every ball. Connected about 9 to 10 times for his exciting 34 (I think) and then got bowled by a grubber. What can we say? Thanks for coming David ... Not much else can be said about the Nepo batting. All very ordinary except for Daisy who got bowled by a straight one. Thanks for coming Daisy. Not much can be said about the Nepo bowling attack either. 143 was never enough. For some reason they "gave us" an extra 10 runs when then went for a victory target of 154. Maybe another 196 runs could have made a bit of a difference. Lewis Boycott-Tavare was duly Naca-ed
for his marathon top score. Despite wearing red velvet after the game, none of
the crowd was heard to say "thanks for coming Lewie ..." The Elstree Gents Cricket Club ground is the kind of genial cricket setting which speaks volumes about the English game. It's an attractive, dozy, chocolate box oval with a blaze of verdant sward sweeping from the steps of a quaint little clubhouse and out over the swollen hills of the Home-counties. It's a splendid view only enhanced by the sight of the grubby chimney fingers of the Magnox Nuclear Power Facility grasping over the nape of the hazy horizon. The scent of cut grass and earl grey tea hang heavy on the breeze, and if you tilt your head just right you can almost catch the latent waft of sporting draws and cautious opening partnerships rising from the lawn. Of late you don't have to tilt your head too far to catch the scent of cautious opening from the Nepotists. But a shake-up of the top order bringing together the celebrated nerdling qualities of Lewis Mapperson and the more robust strokeplay of Andrew 'Roly' Monk promised much. Sadly after a brace of crisply dispatched fours Monk was himself dispatched by a jaffa of a delivery that jagged back off the seam to the inside edge of his bat and ultimately onto the stumps. Watching an innings from Lewis Mapperson in recent weeks has been a bit like watching a strip tease. Your desperate for it to reach it's natural conclusion but when it does you're left ultimately unfulfilled. And dirty. However his resolution and determination cannot be faulted and he stoutly set about a nerdlefest with fellow nerdler Tim Hardy. Unfortunately for the traditionalists in the crowd the extended display of top shelf nerdling was drawn prematurely to a close by the dismissal of Hardy just when it looked like someone would successfully complete a deliberate draw-shot. The crowd stirred. Enter David 'Yes/No' McGurk who's haphazard running between wickets was as spectacular and death defying as anything produced by the great Romanian trapeze families. Still on naught McGurk nudged the ball into the off side, took two steps down the pitch, looked up, took two steps back, looked up again, saw a terrified Mapperson charging to the strikers end and, after briefly contemplating joining him, took off for the bowlers end with the desperation and determination of a shopper at an Ikea opening sale. Whether his inner-ear become unbalanced during the excitement remains the subject of debate, but about three quarters of the way down the pitch McGurk began to stagger. Two steps later his legs came from under him and, mid summersault, a lilting Irishman voice could be heard to cry 'Oh Bollocks'. Fortunately this shambolic display of cricket was beautifully complimented by the fielding side, as personified by the bowler, whose wildly erratic shy at the stumps allowed McGurk to crawl to safety. After several minutes the umpire at the bowlers end gained enough composure to allow play to commence. From then the wickets came and went without major incident. Mapperson was dismissed trying to push the run rate, Debutante and token Kiwi Nigel 'Bomber's Mate' struck a stunning six before succumbing to over enthusiasm. Skipper Donnelly played some cracking shots on his way to 30 odd, Mick 'Max' Walker hefted a couple of leg side sixes and Merv knocked up a splendid 50. The last delivery of the innings brought a leg bye which did considerable damage to the soft toe of Daisy's new bat and, despite a sluggish start, the Nepos had posted the competitive score of 196. At tea the steady drone from a squadron of single prop aircraft buzzing steadily overhead pleasingly drowned out the more consistently offensive drone coming from the general direction of Colin 'Bomber' Dale. It may have been the splendid tea or the drowsy afternoon but early on the Nepo bowling was largely ineffectual. Max and Daisy bowled without penetration and the steady stream of unspectacular but effective strokeplay nibbled away at the Nepo's increasingly modest looking total. Commeth the moment, commeth the man. Last year at this fixture Bomber christened the Elstree ground the bowlers graveyard after a spectacularly ineffective opening spell sealed the fate of the visitors. But the staggering self confidence of the Lolly Pop Kid is not easily dented and he set about his work with stout resolve and his tongue poking out the left hand corner of his almost sealed lips. The shock, surprise and delight of the batsmen lasted about three overs, during which time the Elstree Gents made yet more steady headway. The shock, surprise and disgust will probably live much longer in the heart of the Elstree number 3 who fell foul of what has this season become an eye catchingly consistent dismissal. Ct Merv, B Bomber. The Nepos had a sniff. The crowd stirred again. Funky boldly decided to bring himself on and wisely replaced a delighted Bomber with Roly Monk, but the good ship Nepotist had already taken plenty of water and even with those men at the pumps it looked a lost cause. But with tight bowling the torrent slowed to a trickle, the steady fall of wickets further tightening the screws and the Nepos upped the intensity in the field. Even Roly Monk, not content with contributing with the ball, made an ultimately futile but spectacular attempt at a diving save. A six movement symphony of a dive that concluded with a squeaking noise emanating from the oboe section. With the pressure on and the Nepos tight in the ring the skipper must have felt reasonably confident that with overs from Merv and Max still to come a run a ball finish might prove too much for the undermanned Gents. But with Roly concluding his stellar spell, Funky was faced with the dilemma of squeezing one more over from one of the two Dales. Atkinson or Colin? Colin or Atkinson? Funky pulled the trigger and fired the ball to Daisy. Daisy was born in 1980. Sadly his bowling often resembles much of the popular music from that unfortunate decade: uncomplicated, unchallenging and ultimately disposable. His final over, which unravelled nearly all of the outstanding work of Funky and Rolly, was dispatched for four fours and with advice from Bomber still humiliatingly ringing in his ears the petulant Atkinson dispatched the bowling marker to the rope for a fifth and final boundary. The game ended on the first ball of the final over. Not with a bang but a ball played to backward point and a quickly scampered single. Defeat from victory. And it seemed nothing remained but for Daisy to collect the lime green and magenta jacket, don the pink wig and smile for the cameras. But fate, and the introduction of 'machine' politics, was yet to play its hand. In an overwhelming and unprecedented block vote the petulance of Atkinson was overlooked and excused in exchange for future voting favours. The two horse race was down to one and Bomber Dale, long the lone wolf of NACA voting, was mercilessly targeted by the mob and torn limb from limb. The NACA was his. For being Bomber. The curse continues. MERV LEADS NEPOS TO STUTTERING
VICTORY With 16 Nepos available for this rare North London fixture (note to Fixture Sec - with this sort of player demand, perhaps a few more North London fixtures would be in order in 2006??) and some tough selection decisions to be made, Donnelly did what he does best…left the county, leaving Merv with the unenviable task of telling 4 Nepos of their fate. Lewis (over-aggression), Mr Rik (disciplinary reasons following Derek's 50th birthday), Dave (yes/no) and Donnelly (sh1t) himself were all dropped as Merv showed a ruthless selection streak so lacking in the Donnelly era. Beesborough chose to bat in this 40/40 one day match, and got off to a solid start before Derek Lec Leckenby snaffled a wonder 2nd slip catch off Merv to dismiss their classy looking opener. We soon had them 2-22 (great score that) and 5-57, with a sub 100 score looking likely. Amongst the wickets was Nigel Astridge, who came to the club with the dubious title of "Bomber's Mate". It didn't take us long to work out why he'd been given that title as his first 2 overs contained 7 wides, but also 2 vital wickets. 5-57 soon turned into 6-140 as the classy Beesborough number 6 took control with some powerful ball striking. In desperation, Merv threw the ball to Mick Berdon who took lollipops to a new level, his left arm 'spinners' bouncing at least twice, in the process bamboozling the batsmen, not to mention the fielders. Still, he did manage to bowl one fast enough so that when it hit the stumps, the bails were actually dislodged. But the real star was Chooka (real name withheld until visa issues are resolved, or he does a runner from the country…) who on debut starred with the ball, taking 5-16 off 7 un-Nepo-like accurate overs. Backed up by some great catching from captain Dillon, Beesborough were dismissed for 165 in the very last over. Transport also bowled but took absolutely no wickets, as usual. The Lewis-less Nepo reply got off to a rattling start, with Jacko and Mick running well between the wickets (quick singles…3s…it was a revelation), demoralising the Beesborough attack. At 0-141 the match was all but over, but that was before they brought on their leg-spinners. Jacko was bowled by a Gatting special for 82, Stocks followed in sympathy for 0 before Mick perished for a well made 38. Enter Tim Hardy. Exit Tim Hardy, bowled for 3, but not before inexplicably failing to walk despite all 3 stumps laying shattered on the ground behind him. Derek managed to hit a full toss to first slip and was caught for 6, Stevie Werren was LBW (Transport the umpire, as usual) for 0 and when Daisy was stumped going for glory for just 3, the Nepo nerves were rattling. The panic was soon over as Chooka (name withheld) and Bomber's Mate both hit boundaries to secure victory with 9 overs still remaining. With 7 nominations, the Naca was always
going to be close, but Transport ended up a comfortable winner for moving the
sight screen for a left handed batsman. What Transport failed to realise is that
sightscreens are moved when bowlers are left armed or go around the wicket, not
for left handed batsmen - the peanut, as usual. We were unable to reach Funky as he is allegedly in hiding in a bar somewhere behind court 17 at Wimbledon, but a statement was issued today by his manager and brother Frank. ########################################################## "Team management has decided to take drastic action following a recent spate of controversies and defeats. Firstly it was brought to their attention that Mark "Transport" turned up sober to the game on Sunday after having gone to bed early the night before. This was first picked up by the other players when Transport arrived appearing fresh and coherent and it was confirmed when management were unable to smell alcohol on his breath. They would like to point out that at this level this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated. Any self respecting Australian should not be finishing their last pint until at least 5am. If a level of coherency is still obvious before play then more pints should be consumed in the opposition clubhouse. As a result Transport has been informed he will not be selected for next week's game. They (the management) would like to point out that Bomber Dale has been incoherent since 1987 and therefore receives a commendation Secondly, Funky himself realises he has brought the team into disrepute. In the week leading up to the latest match he didn't manage to sexually proposition any random females and even forgot to send his quota of lewd text messages. He accepts this is not setting the example required of a man in his position and realises he has let his team, his family and most of all his sponsors down. He escapes with a caution in this instance but may be penalised further if there is a recurrence." END OF STATEMENT ########################################################## None of what was to come was apparent when the Nepos won the toss and elected to bat on a pitch that was so flat it looked like a section of the M3. The opening batsmen Lewy and Werren certainly felt like they were on the M3 probably because they were, as they were running 45 minutes late in the Werren van. Consequently Roly and Leckers donned the pads and strode to the middle. First to go was Leckers for 26 with the score at a respectable 74 after 15 overs. Stocker at no. 3 looked like he was ready to re-write the record books as he confidently raced to 22 and indeed he did, when on the same score he became the first Nepo in 16 years to be given out LBW by umpire Bomber Dale. At 105 - 2 the innings was finely poised. Whether it was this pressure on the skipper, the fact that he normally bats with the tail, the fact that Roly was smashing his way towards 100 or the constant muntering coming from David "No fuc#ing way was that out, that wouldn't have hit a 2nd set of stumps" Stocks on the sideline, Funky was uncharacteristically slow to get going. At one stage he had 3 runs from 13 balls and the pressure was mounting as cries of "get on with it" came from the clubhouse from none other than Lewy Mapperson, the only man in Nepo history to bat 30 overs without scoring a run in front of square. 2 balls later Funky was on 15 from 15 and the run a ball innings continued until his dismissal on 28. In the mean time Roly Monk had brought up yet another ton for the Nepos as he and the skipper piled on 106 for the 3rd wicket. Roly was eventually not out on 134 as the Nepos reached 237 for 5 at the tea break. (Tea was superb and our correspondent particularly enjoyed the pizza and chocolate cake...) A commendably hungover Comical Ali opened the bowling with the disgraced Transport at the other end. A combination of the 30 degree heat, the flat track, the old ball and the short boundary saw Valley End off to a flier. The return of Mr Rik for his first game of the year brought at first much promise but in the end only more runs and eventually it was down to the lollipop king, Bomber Dale to make the first breakthrough. Yet another longhop was sent to tempt and the ensuing inevitable bash from the batsman only got as far as the skipper Funky at silly mid-on who was not only unable to get out of the way of the ball but somehow also managed to hold on to it. Unfortunately the score had already passed 100 and by the time the 2nd wicket fell to another Bomber lollipop the game was slipping away faster than an Australian Cricket Team supporter's pride. Eventually with 2 overs to go and 5 runs required the ball was thrown to the man of the moment, Roly Monk. Everybody believed that it was Roly's Day and that he could generate something magical from the pitch. Sadly we will never know as 2 full tosses resulting in 2 boundaries saw the Nepos go down with 10 balls to spare. The NACA was unanimously won by
"Comical" Ali Kidd for overzealous appealing, shoe abuse and forgetting the name
of his bride-to-be (For those not in attendance, Ali is marrying Roly's
sister-in-law and when he was asked which of Lucy's sisters it was he replied -
"Lucy"...) The skipper however looked fresh after heading home on the last of the festive trains having wisely got most of his drinking out of the way during a spectacularly self destructive 24 hour soak that saw him finally sliding back between the sheets at 3pm on Saturday afternoon. On arrival at the ground the perfunctory courtesies were followed by a number of inquiries over the prospective appearance of Colin 'Bomber' Dale who appears to have obtained the kind of minor celebrity status in Epsom normally reserved for albinos and bearded ladies. Funky's heightened level of mental clarity failed to prevent him miscalling the toss of the coin and recording his fifth loss in a row. An error magnified by the Epsom skipper's decision to bat and further exacerbated by the fact that six minutes from kick-off four tourists were still nowhere to be seen. Some frantic phone work from the skipper located the perennially tardy Werren dozing fitfully in the back of his van while Mark 'Transport' Mehann lived up to his handle and Lewis Mapperson called the street names. Werren's van arrived with minutes to spare sending a hopeful murmur up from the assembled crowd which dramatically thinned when it became evident Bomber wasn't aboard. After a series of quick apologies, explanations and negotiations it was decided that Dale 'Daisy' Atkinson would keep wicket while Werren slept off the previous night's excess at fine leg. Transport controversially opened the bowling despite ruling himself out the weekend before but justified his inclusion in the starting eleven by turning up drunk. He started well and with one particularly neat piece of outswing bowling found the outside edge of the opener's bat and sparked an extraordinary foot race between the three slowest men on the field. It was spell binding stuff. Not unlike watching John Landy, Roger Bannister and Ron Clarke scamper after Betty Cuthburt. Of course those men are all in their 70's and Betty's in a wheelchair, so they have an excuse. At the other end Geoffrey 'Merv' Dillon toiled away manfully but it took the introduction of Nigel 'Bomber's Mate' Astridge to bring the breakthrough with a canny leg stump full toss. Funky whittled away with his usual grit and the latest of Daisy's recruits Adam 'Batman' Simms managed to briefly lift Werren from his slumber with an inswinger which was miss-gloved by Atkinson before rolling to fine leg. The somnambulant Australian managed to ease to his feet and return the pill just in time to prevent a third run. The middle overs were largely uneventful but Transport's return to the popping crease toward the end of the innings was greeted with an almighty six. Like a bad case of food poisoning the damage was being done from both ends and Merv Dillon was also taking heavy flack. The normally unflappable Merv was carved to the boundary several times before pouncing on a ball played meekly down the pitch and pinging it at the stumps. Merv missed the pegs but his aggression paid dividends when just two balls later the Epsom opener was dismissed for 120. Sadly his torment was to continue as Epsom's new batsman - a four-foot-eight 12-year-old - charged his first ball and proceeded to taunt the quickie with a number of intimadatory foot movements during his subsequent deliveries. A lesser man would have settled for calling the kid a "precocious little f@cker" but as Bomber wasn't in attendance Merv opted to dismiss him instead. 260 the target. Werren retired to the van to sleep. The chase started badly. Phil was caught at gully for a duck bringing together the celebrating nurdling partnership of Mapperson and Hardy. The crowd settled in. The bumble bees buzzed. Time passed. Werren dozed on. 260 looked insurmountable. But something was stirring. Mapperson and Hardy were scoring with stout resolve; rotating the strike, running the twos. Lewis, perhaps stung by previous criticism of his batting style, struck a number of boundaries. Hardy raced to a season high of 8. The tea time cordial was sent to forensics for analysis. Was this the future? Had nurdling evolved? What did it all mean? The dismissal of Hardy left those questions unanswered, lingering like tinea before being replaced by new questions. Like 'could Daisy's new recruit actually bat?' An outside edge to first slip suggested no. The dropped catch suggested he might get further opportunity to impress. The following innings spoke for itself. In emphatic style. Some innings are like majestic symphonies, starting slowly and building gradually, swelling with the introduction of new themes before rising to a thundering crescendo and climaxing with a sweeping conclusion. Others are more like the Chicken Dance. Batman's innings resembled the latter. Like a Viking raid on a coastal town Sims swept all before him. Mapperson, who displays some Viking tendencies of his own at times (although not always on the turf), proved a willing ally and when drinks were served the Nepos had a sniff. Werren slumbered on. But the sniff was partially snuffed out when in the first over after drinks Mapperson holed out responding to some pointed and enthusiastically expressed match analysis from Mark 'Transport'. Atkinson entered the frey, was caught by a gem, and spent the next thirty minutes whining like an air-raid siren that "it just sh@ts me". The skipper strode to the crease, belted a six, and then proceeded to get his eye in. Sims breezed through the closing stanza of The Chicken Dance and notched up an impressive debut ton. Sadly when starting on the opening bars of the 'Hokey Pokey' he forgot to put his left foot in and went out, driving uppishly to short cover. Caught by the same precocious scrote who dismissed Daisy. 112 from just 69 deliveries. Great knock. The Nepos still needed 10 an over but the skipper looked in no mood to negotiate. Advancing down the track like a drunken swordsman at every available opportunity the Nepos fearless leader slashed and scythed his way toward victory. Such was his commitment that at one stage he up-ended himself taking an almighty windmill swipe at a deceptively straight delivery. The momentum of the bat's massive arc swung him over onto his ankle and like the dieing swan in Swan Lake he balettically collapsed to the ground in a graceful death throe, striking the soil at almost the precise time the ball struck the keepers gloves. He survived but Astridge came and went without incident and Transport was out chopping on in a dismissal that like a fairytale kiss from a handsome prince awoke Werren from his slumber. Werren padded up as Alan Stamper, fresh from the school fete, stepped in at number 10 and joined the skipper in the middle. 50 runs still needed from five overs. A captain's knock was required. The burden of his sides poor form has weighed heavily on the shoulders of Funky Donnelly in recent weeks. As well it should. The Nepotists is a proud club that does not tolerate prolonged failure. And while it has been hard to find specific fault in Gorto's personal performances losing form is poor form. Rare is the opportunity to win the game off your own bat and rarer still the opportunity to make the bold statement of doing so as captain. But yet rarer still is actually achieving that feat. Sadly it's rarity was in no way diminished at the weekend with Gorto falling with the Nepos still 30 runs in arears. Nine wickets down Steve Werren and his narcoleptic bloodshot walleyed hangover struck out for the crease. The cause looked lost. The tide of discussion turned toward the NACA. When was the last time anyone was universally voted into the lime green and magenta? Werren played and missed at his first delivery. Astridge wondered aloud how three men would go about packing the kit. The bowler turned at his mark. Werren shielded his eyes against the blinding light of the suburban sun. Throat parched, drenched in a pall of alcoholic sweat, throbbing pain three inches from his left temple and fighting the desperate, groaning urge to sleep Werren looked up, shuffled his feet, lifted his bat and swung wearily across the line. To everyone's surprise the ball went away like a shot. Skimming over mid wicket and skipping over the boundary rope for four. Somewhere, deep down, in some instinctive primordial place we don't like to talk about, Werren's survival instinct had kicked in. Like a boxer in the closing rounds of a 15 round bout he was fighting on memory. His memory was telling him to play across the line at everything. And his memory was sharp. Several more deliveries followed the first until with just one over left the Nepos were within ten runs of pulling off a remarkable fighting victory. With Werren on strike anything looked possible. Across the line he went again, bunting a single into the on-side. Alan Stamper took block. His progeny looked on. The Nepo's drew breath. The ball zipped past the outside edge. The scorer entered a dot in the book. 9 from 3 required. Alan Stamper took block. His progeny looked on. The Nepo's drew breath. The ball zipped into the stumps. The scorer entered a W in the book. Funky was left to wonder what might have been. Werren was left to pick up the NACA. The Epsom crowd was left to ponder what might have been had Bomber been selected. And we were all left to go home. Gorto's losing run continued. Making a mockery of his ICC World Ranking of 2,426,728, Matt "Mattress" Glynn, the Nepos very own winner of the Jason Gillespie look-a-like competition for the last 3 years running, took a wicket with his 2nd delivery of the day. Taking the new ball from the "non-Merv" end, a rank full toss on leg stump was dispatched at a rate of knots towards the fine leg boundary. Fortunately for us it went straight to Geoff "Merv" Dillon, the only man on the field who could catch something hit that hard. It was a long time before we were able to celebrate another catch. "Wezza" Werren celebrated his 60th in style by dropping 1 catch, missing 2 stumpings and 2 run outs. He even managed to miss a stumping and a run out in the same delivery, something even he hadn't achieved in his previous 65 years. Not to be outdone a further 6 chances were put down (or in David "Stocker" Stocks' case, avoided) by the remaining Nepos as the oppo smashed there way to 275 for 6 off their 40 overs. Bowling honours were evenly shared (i.e. we all got smacked) but special mention must go to Andrew "Roly" Monk with his outstanding 57 for 1 from his 8 overs. Tea followed the trend of recent weeks and although it didn't reach the 10 rating of the previous week it was still superb. Donning the pads for the Nepos were the ever reliable Lewis "Lewy" Mapperson and the birthday boy himself, Wezza. Confidence was oozing from the sprightly 70 year old despite the large task ahead and he practically sprinted to the middle. He was off the mark immediately and settled himself in for a big innings. Unfortunately he was so settled he didn't hear the call to run from Lewy (although admittedly hearing loss is to be expected) and he was run out. Happy Birthday Steve! Lewy knew it was up to him to make amends and he was promptly bowled by a Bomber-like lollipop and the Nepos were in all too familiar trouble on 10 for 2. It was down to the Nepo old brigade Stocker and Chris "Leckers" Leckenby to attempt a salvage mission. And salvage they did as Leckers showed what can still be done when your years pass the 50 mark (i.e. hit big, run slowly and take a lot of breaks) and Stocker thrashed the bowling to all corners of the field. When Stocker fell with the score on 117 off 18 overs we felt like we were in with a chance. But when Dave "Yes/No" McGurk spent a few indecisive overs in the middle before falling for 4 and Leckers fell for 44 that chance was looking a bit less likely. With Roly and Mick "Fabio" Berdon in the middle and Merv and Funky padded up ready to go BETFAIR was still showing both sides at even money. Roly and Fabio had other ideas as they put on 144 for the 6th wicket (as opposed to Lewy who put 100 on Barnes with BETFAIR) and Merv and Funky were not required as Fabio brought up both his 50 and the victory with yet another cover-driven boundary in the 36th over. For the record: Barnes won the toss and batted first. After 40 overs they were 275 for 6 G Dillon 8 1 40 1 M Glynn 6 0 29 1 A Monk 8 0 57 1 M Robinson 7 0 48 1 L Donnelly 8 0 55 2 M Berdon 3 0 38 0 In reply Nepos were 276 for 5 S Werren 1 L Mapperson 1 D Stocks 64 C Leckenby 44 D McGurk 4 A Monk 84 N.O. M Berdon 50 N.O. And yes, it really was Steve "Wezza"
Werren's 50th birthday! With your loyal correspondent taking over the reins of the world’s greatest cricket club for our annual 4 day Devon extravaganza. I am pleased to report that hours of carefully planning paid of perfectly as the LPK master plan fell right into place. First plan was to lose the toss, which I did, and we were sent in. The choice of a the Nepo top order of Haley, Andrew and Stone proved to be an inspired one. Before you could say “isn’t this a 20-20 match” we were 3 for 11 off 8 with Lewie marching to crease. Another inspired choice as with Mr Nudge got out for just the one run, allowing me to bring in the “real” Nepo batsman of Stocks, Jackson and, um, Dale out to try to post a competitive score. Stocksy did not disappoint and quick fire 26 before the old classic Victorian pairing of Jackson and Dale took on the cow farmers. Jacko posted yet another not out (are you reading this Roly Monk) with 41 runs and my stylish 10 off 12 balls seemed to take the game away from the oppo. That was, until the new ball was thrown to one Morris Jones. 12 balls (and many no balls later) he had gone for 20 and they were back in it! So in another piece of inspired captaincy, I turned to our “real” attack of Jackson and the old warhorse Rick (one more year) Andrew. Jacko kept his 3 overs down to just 4 runs, Rick picked up 2 for 11 off his 3 and by time I gave Merv and that man Dick Sutton a chance to prove their stuff, the match was virtually over. A tight noose had been set around the Holberton batsmen and they were never going to threat the fired-up Nepo machine. Merv picked up 2 wickets in this 3 and Dick the one as mighty lime green and magenta side clocked up its first win with yours truly as skipper. Despite my valiant efforts in picking up the mess left by Funky, suddenly turning us into world beaters again, I was tragically and totally unfairly Naca-ed by my fellow team mates, for “being Bomber”. It is a hard, lonely life at the top …. And it was that much maligned regular season skipper, the now great David Luke Donnelly, whose straight drive boundary on the very last ball of the match sealed a magnificent victory by the narrowest of margins. Chasing a modest 158 after a fine fielding display by the LPK-led Nepotists, we looked home at the half way mark with 81 on the board and Jacko and Stocks in full flight. But with Stocker going for 24 and Jacko retiring hurt with a pulled hammy on 43 (yes, that is NOT OUT, Roly) runs suddenly dried up. Nearly 13 overs went by in this 40 match with only 11 runs being posted. No, it was not Lewie. He had gone much earlier for 17. It was the snail middle order of Leckers (9), Werren (run out 0) and Marvel (4) that almost grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory. Enter three-bats Merv Dillon and the magnificent Funky. 8 an over required, yet the task seemed to be beyond even this great pairing, as runs proved as allusive as Mr Slippery Keith Scott in a game of golf ball. The last over required 13. The boys ran three, a couple of twos, a single and a leg bye, leaving 4 runs needed off the last ball. It was pitched up, Great Gorto took aim, back over the bowler’s head it went as it bounced towards Budleigh’s long off who was certain to cut it off, restrict us to two runs and defeat. Then tragedy struck for the local lad. School boy error. He attempted to stop it with his boot, over the left foot the ball bounced … and over the boundary! And that, my friend, is VICTORY!!! Earlier the Nepos put in an inspired performance in the field, bowling out the formidable Budleigh line up for just 158. Fuelled by loads of VB stubbies, Mark “ailment” Transport led the attack with a fine 8 over spell taking 2 for 21. Team work was the new byword for the Nepotist fielding side as tour skipper Bomber, in a what is thought to be a first for cricket, let democracy rule day. Fielders were allowed to decide where they wanted to stand, bowlers came and went as Bomber put his faith in his team mates and let all 10 of them make all fielding and bowling decisions between them. Wickets tumbled, run outs were achieved, catches actually held onto. What was going on here?? It was true team work by the 6 Nepo bowlers, with all putting in excellent spells. Merv picked up 1 for 25 off 6, Funky 3-31 off 6. Dick 0-26 off 4 with 2 maidens, Marvel a fine 0 for 3 off 5 overs (under bowled) and LPK 1 for 45 off 8. (over bowled naturally). Before announcing his retirement as skipper, at the post match celebrations, there was just one more task for Bomber to do – the Naca vote. And what do you get when you mix one Derek, Lec, Lec, Leckenby with two Plymouth casinos (suspended from one) and one Chinese croupier – that’s right – the most certain and best deserved red velvet jacket the Nepos have seen for years!!! Pommy Nepos 8-206 defeated by Aussie
Nepos 5-209 (Aussie Nepos won by 4 wickets) The opposition was going to be fierce and hostile, with plenty of action up around the chin strap and teeth. Merv opted to lose the toss and bat first. Two hours in, and the first test - a groaning table in the dappled sun with a wedding banquet spread of chilean red, australian white, tuna pasta, roast ham, coronation chicken, greek salad, mountains of scrummy fresh coleslaw, fruity cous-cous, tomato salad, freedom baguettes, etc It didn't need skipper Merv to say 'eat it up you Nepos'. The Nepos did what they do best - sat and polished it off, with a Pommy disreguard for self-inflicted alcoholic ineptitude. Back on the field and well on the way to an unassailed lead of near 240, what could the hosts Shepperton do. Well, they could play around for their averages, then call for tea! Two hours on and staring defeat in the face - at the buffet. Having not eaten for nearly two hours, the Nepos rolled over to the tressle tables, now decked with chocolate profiteroles, raspberry tart, donuts with jam or custard, chocolate cake and a fresh fruit/bowl of cherries option, lashed down with tea and wine. Was victory about to be snatched from the choccy smacked lips of the Nepos? Would Sunday 7th August go down in history as the greatest ever cricket choke? How could we be facing this quality of calorific opposition without Roly Monk! But this was no ordinary Nepo eleven, oh no. - Wise skipper Merv had secret weapon Basher flown in, slung under a Chinook, - David Stocks was eating for four, - Rik free to eat for England and let Thomas win M.o.t.M - Tim recklessly ignored all calls to leave the buffet and get back in the field - Bomber had cycled back from Birmingham for a free shower - Elstree Andy showed what a tremendous all-rounder he is - Buddy volunteered to brush off the donuts - and who can we forget the sight of Basher, still calling as he was lifted home by the chopper..'who the b**** h*** was supposed to be backing up my f****** overthrows!!!" What a band of brothers, how could they lose the Battle of the Bulge By the time we all left the field, the Nepos had retained the Shepperton Cup!!! But, before the awards, just time for our third full meal in one great day. For the record, the BBQ offered Sausages, Cheeseburgers...( and Mr Rik's prawns) After Sunday 7th August, who can ever say the Nepo's are gutless. Roll on Old Trafford - I mean
Whitchurch! SUPER SLOGGING STOCKS STRIKES SIX
SIXES TO STEER NEPO SUCCESS Earlier, Mapperson had stroked a catch to extra cover, staking an early claim for kit duties, and bringing the key duo of Jackson and Stocks together. Some quality seam bowling continued to restrict the run-rate, as the two batsmen struggled for runs. Knowing what was required, Captain Funky was looking to his number one bat Bruce 'Jacko' Jackson to provide some fireworks and get the run-rate going. But, in a season of Pommie greatness it was his English partner who took on the bowling. Stocks smashed his way to 147* in an innings some are rating as the greatest Nepo knock ever played, as wife Mandy and daughter Libby looked on. After lunch, Stocksie unleashed his full array of beautiful drives and cuts, while Jackson scratched around like a man protecting his average, which he was. He finally succumbed on 62. Jackson's dismissal brought the first of the weekend's quality ring-ins to the crease. John, 'Chauffer' O'Shea was recruited by Morris Jones. A qualified London cabbie, he regularly drives the sleeping Nepo elder to Birmingham International Airport. Chauffer joined Stocks and made slogging look easy as both men steered the Nepo total to 237 for 2 off the allotted 40 overs. An impressive 150 runs off the final 15 overs is testament to the fine post lunch session orchestrated by Stocks whose 147* came off just 126 balls. By contrast, Jackson's 62 came off 104 balls. A quick turnaround before the tea adjournment and captain Funky, bereft of options at the non-Merv end, gave Jackson a chance to forget about Roly Monk's batting average by handing him the new ball. The once great Nepo's bowling was, like his batting, rather insipid. It took a belting, as did his confidence. Funky turned to Chauffeur with immediate and welcome results. Knowing the value of a good leg-side full toss, Chauffeur soon had the RNVR in all sorts on his way to a 5 wicket haul, on debut. The defending champions, however, were still in the game during the middle overs, which were always going to be a tricky juggle for the skipper. In his infinite wisdom, he threw the ball to another debutant, Troy Ingham. A Brisbane boy, Ingham was soon christened with an obligatory nickname of Gumtree, as in the well-known antipodean web community noticeboard, www.gumtree.com. It was fixture sec Merv who came across his fellow Queenslander while (allegedly) surfing the personals on Thursday night prior to the game. Knowing the world's greatest wandering side was short for the weekend, he invited Troy along. Troy, understanding that Merv swings it both ways, had no hesitation when invited to a weekend away in Oxford.and the rest as they say, is history. Gumtree's bowling was at once entertaining and successful. He had all the usual trademarks of a Nepo strike bowler - the legside full toss, the long-hop and of course the wide, quickly followed by the rather unplayable delivery just outside off-stump, followed by the wide... You get the picture. But there was one delivery that will be spoken of for years to come and shall be known as 'that ball'. Not content with the more orthodox right-arm over the wicket action, Gumtree decided that his over might finish in fewer balls if he tried his hand from 'around'. Everything seemed to be going quite well until one ball stuck in the palm until well into the follow-through. When it finally released, the batsmen at the non-striker's end was more than a little surprised to hear the infamous 'death rattle'. The unsuspecting non-striker had been dismissed in one of the most elaborately executed Mankad operations ever. The large majority of Nepos, ever the opportunists, began celebrating a famous wicket, but thankfully skipper Donnelly, realising the dismissal was a little unorthodox and surely unintentional, called the batsman back. Whilst the wicket didn't stand on this occasion, Gumtree's spell did produce a couple of valuable scalps and perhaps Nepo fans were witnessing the birth of a new hero. During the latter stages, all that stood in the way of a famous Nepo victory was one defiant RNVR batsman, playing a stylish innings and profiting from some generous Nepo 'catching'. His wicket was the key to crushing the RNVR! If further evidence was required that captain Funky lacked options with the ball, his choice of Lewis Mapperson was that. In his third season with the Nepos, Lewy has never taken a wicket, but his skipper and friend needed him now and, with his girlfriend Rachael in attendance, perhaps this was to be his great moment. So it seemed when the aforementioned batter skied a catch straight down midwicket's throat. All that was required here was an assured catch to kill off RNVR's resistance and gift Lewy that first wicket he so craved. Sadly for Lewy, who should be under it but the hapless Jackson. The ball arrived and thudded off his chest as limbs splayed in all directions. Werren painted the picture best when he commented that Jacko 'exploded like he was wearing a Muslim rucksack'. Lewy drove on to the Cotswolds that evening still lacking that first wicket for the Lime Green and Magenta, but the Nepos did go on to complete an 80-run victory and had it all to play for the following day. A cliff-hanger NACA vote saw Stocks 'velveted' after an unprecedented three rounds of voting, and some very ordinary mathematics. The reason for his nomination? He produced a batting display that was the antithesis of Nepo cricket. It was really good. Batting: Jackson 62, Mapperson 0, Stocks
147*, O'Shea 9 Bowling: Dillon 7-0-25-1, Jackson 3-0-18-1, Donnelly 10-0-45-2,
Ingham 3-0-26-1, O'Shea 8.3-1-21-5, Mapperson 3-0-22-0. Pah! After a number of key players declared themselves unavailable for the weekend, the challenge for the trophy threatened to derail before a ball had been bowled. However a hard core of Steve Werren, David Stocks, Gumtree, Funky and Merv set up camp overnight on the ground that would host the final the very next day. This was a particular show of dedication to the cause by Stocks, who checked himself out of the 4 star 'Oxford Spires', sent his wife and children home to London and proceeded to get Merv and Funky to erect him a 'Bomber Dale' tent. A distinct lack of 'Bomber Dale' tent pegs (ie none) meant the Stocks tent was secured with an assortment of screw drivers from the Werren toolbox. The next challenge was how to fit his king size double mattress into a two man tent. At this juncture, the smart camper might consider inflating the mattress inside the tent, but Stocks is not that campter and endeavoured to fit the inflated mattress through the metre-wide tent door. Enlisting the help of all fellow campers, a protesting mattress was forceably inserted into the poor tent, which brought to mind a snake digesting an oversized animal in the way its body contorted and expanded to receive its prey. At least Dave did use his tent that night, which is more than can be said for captain Funky who returned to camp at 830am with some rather incriminating bruisies on his neck. Fortunately, he was tested for STDs and passed fit by team doctor Maggie Gumtree for the big game. Meanwhile, the rest of the team began arriving at the ground. Funky's second good result of the day happened when he won the toss. Knowing the Post-Modernists match eve preparation involved a golf ball happily supplied with instructions from Steve Werren, he had no hesitation in electing to bat on a hot August summer's day. Chook Henville was given a chance to open the innings after not getting to face a ball in rather unlucky circumstances at Checkendon two weeks prior. He was joined by Derek 'Lec' Leckenby who snuck away to Oxford by managing to convince wife Sally that he was folding washing in the next room. Sadly, Leckers needn't have bothered as both he and Chook were dismissed cheaply by the PM opening bowlers. Enter Stocks and Gumtree. Gumtree's batting proved equally as entertaining as his bowling of the previous day, as he showed Steve Werren what playing across the line was all about. He slogged and edged his way to a very useful score, frustrating the bowlers in the process. His innings of 43 featured an incredible middled drive that went straight up in the air. The ball seemed to hang in the sky for an age, but managed to return to earth at Gumtree's feet just before the converging bowler, slips and point could complete a catch. Nepo crickeeet at it's best! Meanwhile, Stocks was unable to repeat his heroics from the previous day as he was removed to bring in Bomber. If readers think it seems unusually early for LPK to be featuring in the contest, then they will also wonder what sort of metamorphosis transpired to explain an innings of great poise that didn't culminate until 73 runs were posted beside his name. The simple explanation is that this isn't the Bomber we all know and can't really understand; but Andrew 'Bomber' Bomford, former AFL player for Essendon and the Sydney Swans and now a Nepotist, by virtue of being Chook's mate. 'Son of Bomber' crafted an innings of great importance as a steady flow of wickets fell around him. First, Steve Blance top-edged a sweep to short fine-leg, then Yes/No McGurk played back injudisciously to what was to be the last ball before lunch. The Irishman's tantrum-like reaction to his own dismissal, like the berating he was to give himself after a fielding indescretion later, suggests he is his own worst critic. After lunch, Captain Funky joined 'Son of Bomber' at the crease with the Nepos at 130-6. Runs came but the flow of wickets continued, as Funky, Bomber and then Werren were removed before Merv and Buddy nursed the ship to its final mooring of 219-9 off the alotted 40 overs. The feeling was that it was about 20 runs short of a winning total. The bowlers were going to have to perform if the Nepos were to win the trophy, and they were going to need support from the field. Despite these unrealistic requirements, it was too early to write off this young team. The PM run-chase began with an early flourish, but opening duo Merv and Chook adjusted their line and length, and soon tightened things up. By tea, three big early wickets had been taken as Funky and Son of Bomber continued the good work. The interval came just at the wrong time though, and a galvanised PMs came right back into it after the break. They traded on Funky's inability to perform in front of his new fan - the one who'd provided him with lodgings the night before - and Son of Bomber's waywardness. Funky rang the changes as both sides battled for the ascendency. An expectant crowd had gathered following the completion of the other game as RNVR polished off the hapless Neville Holt XI. All eyes were on the main game now. By this stage a resurgent PMs had found an anchorman for their innings and were on target to overhaul the Nepo target. Whether it was the intimacy we had with the ground after spending the night camped on it, or the occasion of finals cricket, it's hard to say, but what happened next was amazing as the Nepos began taking catches. Difficult catches. Catches that would normally be grassed quicker than you can say 'where's the wig' were now being swallowed like a Roly Monk donut. Merv took a caught and bowled off a full-blooded drive then Son of Bomber marked a screamer at cover. But none were better or more important than Stocker's at deep mid-wicket, making good ground to get there and looking directly into the dazzlingly bright sun. Stocksie's great act of wig avoidance snuffed out the PM challenge at its most dangerous point and they eventually fell just 10 runs short. We were presented with the trophy soon after that and Gumtree donned the NACA robes. What a weekend of cricket. The cup was ours for the first time and the celebrations continued long into the night! Batting: Henville 4, Leckenby 2, Stocks
22, Gumtree 45, Bomford 72, Blance 0, McGurk 11, Donnelly 22, Werren 10, Dillon
14*, Hayes 1* Bowling: Dillon 10-0-49-4, Henville 10-0-58-1, Donnelly 10-0-58-1,
Bomford 10-0-53-3. Weeks of preparation had seen the Pomms prepare for one last push. The Oval or, more specifically, the OCS Grandstand, was to be the final battle ground. As twilight fell over the ground, shortly after lunch, the boys moved into position. The Aussie mates had perfected the badge tampering required for first class cricket success. But how could 13 Nepos escape to victory and the fourth floor Corporate Bar. And how could the Pommie Officer Class go back on their scorn for ticket palming! Well, easily - in principle, or lack of. Bomber and Buddy, aka Sniffer and Scrounger, were ahead of the game, (unlike Australia). Fresh from turning Nottingham CC's 4th Test into a commercial loss, with an unresolved bar bill to the tune of £1,830, B&B were planning a mass diversion. Three routes up to the OCS Terrace from Base Camp Nepo were established, concealed on used Sudoko pages* and rolled inside Mr Rik's walking stick. Derek had been supplied with individually wrapped food rations, enough to feed 13 for two weeks, but hadn't been told, so ate them all by lunch. Sadly absent from the food parcels were the herrings, brie and Sauterne of old. Three badges would have to be 'palmed' five times for the great inscape. Buddy made sure each blind drunk Nepo was accompanied by one who could walk, and so the pairs of bunnies hopped three flights towards the sunny uplands. The Goons were already on the lookout for oddly dressed Corporate Guests, and we couldn't all pass off as beach bum billionaires. In a risky and audacious pairing, Buddy sent off Bomber Dale with Lord Jim Drummond. If it worked, and Jim did not lose his super-annuated pension, we might all make it. If it failed, and the pair spent the night in a prison cell, we could auction the film rights. Next to try was The Chairman, who almost blew it with an unguarded moment. Having reached Level Two of the OCS, recognising a Nepo buddy from the W Indies campaign, Lennon sang out 'hey Tim'..before realising Capt Hardy was already in celebrity disguise, and had gained 'access to all areas' by passing off as Richie Benaud. Tim, at the time broadcasting to the World Service, fortunately ignored his former friend. Mr Rik thought for a half moment about sacrificing himself, unable to keep up in the climb, but the prospect of free beer prevailed. Buddy had discovered a hidden lift to the fourth floor, and gained the assistance of two goons to help wheel Mr Rik skywards. Leonard Cheshire Stocks fell back on his 'heavily pregnant+high blood pressure' routine, and WingCo Jacko fell back on his averages. Lewy Mapp fooled the guards by being more interested in a book of Sudoko* than the match, and Wisden kept his head buried in a Wisden - there's nepotism for you! Sparrow & Glove had no problems getting up to the roof, but embarrassed themselves with the complimentary peanuts. By close on Ashes Oval Friday, with the game and Test series in the balance, unlike the Nepos on the OCS top balcony, we had made the breakthrough. There was to be one last leap of faith that night, by Steve Hiltz McScottie, undefeated champion of the Roebuck Eskie LegOver. No further injuries were reported at the time of writing. A bien tot - from neutral Covent Garden. |
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