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My Husband and I were proud and very honoured to host the cricketing calendar highlight, the clash between The Royal Household CC and the Nepotists CC in One's backyard at Windsor Castle. Nepotism has received some "bad press" of late (note to One's self, One must take that nasty mister Mugabe off One's Christmas list) so it was with great excitement that we agreed to host this marvellous wandering band of merry men. One's initial disappointment at the omission of One's old friend Colin was soon forgotten as the clash drew near. However, according to their captain, the soon to be knighted Funky Gorto, the event almost didn't happen. In his words "What, with reminding people that without a farking lift they will have to farking fly AND organising whites an hour before the game, I'm more of a farking nanny than a captain to this bunch". One certainly knows how he feels! The game commenced with only 4 "Nepos" ready and willing so brave Sir Funky and gallant Tum were forced to don the padding and "face the music" as they say in the classics. Their courage was only matched by their selflessness when they heroically sacrificed their wickets to allow That Man Deek and the loveable rogue Stocker (such quaint names - One is extremely amused!) to come to the wicket and proceed to bludgeon a 50 each from the next 300 balls. A late flourish from young Mattress (tee hee) saw the lads reach a potentially insufficient 148 for 5 at tea. Unfortunately, One was unable to partake of tea with the lads but Sir Funky informs One that it was first class, as to be expected. After separating that high-spirited Ralphy from one of the corgis One returned just in the nick of time to see the wonderful Household boys begin with a wave and a flourish. Things appeared decidedly grim for Sir Funky and his troupe as the openers looked to finish the contest inside the first 15 overs. Dramatically, however, both went in quick succession to a couple of superb catches to young Mattress (tee hee) and the tumbling Wisden (sounds like one of those cocktails Camilla whips up each Christmas). A consolidation by One's lads saw a paltry 60 odd runs required from the last 20 overs with 7 wickets in hand. Would this be Sir Funky's Waterloo? It certainly seemed so. But no! In an extremely Churchill-like move (yes yes Phillip, I know Churchill wasn't at Waterloo) he brought the now legendary Deeeek on from the Castle end and himself from the other. Between them they proceeded to take 7 wickets in the next 14.3 overs for a paltry 31 runs and the game was theirs. The Queen's Medal (or the NACA as they so quaintly call it) went to that rapscallion Steve Werren for allegedly "dry rooting" Ralphy during the drinks interval. One is not quite sure what "dry rooting" is but one assumes it has horticultural connotations. (One's also not sure what this has to do with cricket?!) Apparently this is the second time in succession that Steve has won this - he is SO awfully clever. Phillip and I are already looking forward to next year's return fixture. Tally Ho, One can't wait!! Now if only young Harry could be more like those charming fellows. (Note to One's self II, One must implore Sir Funky to give Harry a run with the Nepos) ERII Funky, I hope this okay? Give me a bell if there's any hassle. Liz xx -----Original Message----- No worries, whenever you get time FG From: Queen Elizabeth <QEII@windsor-castle.com> Sorry Funky, flat out at the mo. Will get this to you ASAP. L Unfortunately for Dick, all his heroics with both the bat and ball came to absolutely SOD ALL as we were well and truly thumped by the posh school's teachers. Deek noodled his way to 72 as the Nepos, formerly known as by the best team the world as ever seen, declared on just 162. This paltry total was seen off in no-time by the gents, leaving devastated Nepos searching for whom to blame... And yes, it could be only one man: Captain Calamity himself, Luke Funky Gorto Donnelly. Now with just one win for four matches, he has brought this once proud side down to its knees. A combination of atrocious field placements, bowling and batting choices, match directions and general lack of leadership had many players pleading for the return of Jerry Marvel Mitchell as they awarded Gorto Red Velvet. Donnelly naturally opened the batting with himself and after a few wild swishes he was soon out leaving the rest of the line up well exposed. Failures to Werren, Snook, Monk, Robinson and Robinson Junior, really meant there was not a lot of batting left. Huge cheers greeted Derek Lec, Lec, Lec, Leckenby's first runs for TWO years and he and THAT MAN did their best to post competitive total. And just when it looked like we could get one, what did Captain Cal. do? Declared for tea. What was he thinking? And what was he thinking when he opened the "attack" with Bomber and Mattress? Just for a second, it did look like a miracle could be in the making. LPK started his 2004 season in typical fashion: first ball wide. 2nd ball full toss and OUT! Tragically he tried the same type of bowling for the next 4 overs... Mattress's first ball went straight back over his head for six and before you could say "take a blow lads", Elstree had raced to 60 off only 5 overs. So what did Captain C do next? Bring himself on!! More carnage naturally followed until he finally turned to THAT MAN who picked up three wickets, but the damage had been done. Is this the worst Nepo captain ever?? ICC MEDIA RELEASE London, 7
June 2004 Allegations were made after the Nepos, led by supposedly "the worst skipper in the world" Funky Gorto cruised to a 7 wicket and 9 over victory against the highly fancied and heavily backed favourite Barnes in a 40 over match. Questions of bookmaker involvement were first raised when the entire Nepotist squad was at the ground PRIOR TO COMMENCEMENT - an occurrence not seen since the 4th match of the 1997 season (on this occasion the subsequent investigation by the match fixing committee proved inconclusive). As expected the toss was lost by "twsitw" (the worst skipper in the world) and Barnes elected to bat first. After an early unorthodox flourish and the loss of an opener, Barnes were solid but slow against a tight opening spell from Mr Rik and That Man Deek. Mr Rik bowled out his allotted 8 overs in a very tidy spell that included the initial wicket. The tight bowling came to an end when, in the first of the many controversies that were to follow, Deek was replaced mid-spell by the ex-European arm wrestling champ, Mark Transport. Transport was dispatched to all parts of the ground by the now in-form remaining opener until he was dramatically caught off a juicy half volley by twsitw at mid off. Somehow inspired, Transport found his old fire and bowled 4 further economical overs before collapsing of exhaustion at fine leg and refusing to bowl on. The punters breathed a sigh of relief when Transport was replaced by Bomber "Kiwi" Dale (NZ passport pending) and champagne corks were heard to be popping as he proceeded to go for 28 runs in the next 2 overs. The corks were soon replaced however as twsitw controversially removed the nuggety soon-to-be Kiwi after the 3rd excursion into the school ground next door to retrieve the ball. Twsitw then bowled himself and Deek at the close after a tidy spell from Daisy Atkinson and a brief return by Transport as Barnes moved to a competitive 211 for 7 from their 40 overs. In reply, the situation once again looked grim for the bookies as Jacko and Roly strode to the crease. At this stage their contribution to the game had been a record combined total of 15 dropped catches in the slips and the punters were seen literally falling over themselves to get to their mobile phones. Cries of "double my stake on Barnes" rang around the ground. Phone calls were stopped mid sentence as Roly opened the shoulders and in next to no time had 40 runs from 25 deliveries. Hampered by a donut eating injury sustained at tea (and therefore in the course of the match) a runner was called for and a deceleration in the form of a maiden over saw some hope for the punters. This was to be a temporary glitch as he soon brought up his 50 at better than a run a ball. Cries of despair were then heard as the previously tentative Jacko decided to join the party. He constantly lifted the Barnes attack into the surrounding neighbourhood and another Jackson 100 seemed inevitable until he was trapped LBW for 80. By this stage 151 runs were on the board and the bookies were now the ones reaching for the champagne (as well as the plain manila envelopes). Some hope for the punters was restored as Stocker, understandably tired from acting as runner for Roly, soon followed Jacko to the clubhouse, another victim of the sometimes loosely applied LBW law. Roly had other ideas as, aided by numerous donuts and the fact he didn't have to do any running, he brought up his 2nd Nepotist century. A tragic but somehow inevitable run-out ended his innings on a fittingly symbolic round 100 and ATL Werren and Bomber "Kiwi" Dale saw the Nepos home on the last ball of the 31st over. Any fines arising from this incident will be imposed by ICC Match Referee Roshan Rahmatunga in a hearing at the conclusion of the current hearing into how the hell England have managed to win 2 test series in a row. If applied, a Level 2 breach of the Code carries a fine of between 50 and 100 per cent of the offending captain's tea donuts and/or a one match ban from the bar. Please note: No enquiry into the NACA award has been deemed neccessary after the jacket was awarded to short priced favourite Bomber "I luv the All Blacks" Dale after his unexpected and shocking exposure as a wannabe Kiwi. -ENDS- For further information: In an exciting, high-scoring match we just failed to pull off a miracle run chase and end "Funky/Gorto" Donnelly's team mismanagement spell on a high. But we didn't. So, thanks for coming Gorto, don't call us, we'll call you ... With about 42 runs required off just 2 overs an inevitable draw looked certain. Derek "4 hips" Lec, Lec, Lec, Lec, Leckenby had been trying for an hour or so to get the ball off the square and while "Merv" Dillon had done his best, racing into the 40s. It seemed obvious to all of us that most of the action left to come that evening was in the Euro 2004 France v England match which had been delayed until we left the field. But not Merv. He faced Wellington's top bowler for the penultimate over and in a sensational 6 balls of: smack, pull, snick, smash, drive and whack that went for 4, 4, 4, 4, 4 and 4 - we were back in it! Leckers failed to get the first ball of the last over off the square, before being dismissed 2nd ball. As they crossed, Merv had strike and bang he went again for another boundary, his 7th in a row. Tragically he went next ball caught on the fence for a terrific 66 off 36 balls. After Merv's dismissal, it was all over. Earlier, it was familiar territory for Luke's attack, as the Posh kids smacked us to all areas of their magnificent school "B" ground. Openers Mr Ric and Merv proved ineffective on a flat pitch, so Donnelly turned to who else, but Donnelly to try to rescue the situation. 7 overs later and with over 70 coming from his pies, he turned to the former leading wicket taker LPK to see if he could rediscover the "magic" off previous years. Not long later it looked like lolli-pops were destined to be a thing of the past as Bomber went for even more per over than Funky. While Oli T tried his best and our new star bat Roly Monk popped up with a wicket from his only over, it was yet another big run chase facing our bats. Continuing his fine form from his Barnes century, Roly got us off to a good start before getting the yips in the 40s and going for 48. Young Oli P had obviously been watching Mark Richardson bat at Lords and struggled against good bowling, making very little runs off stacks of balls. This made the task of chasing the game all too much for the middle order, that was, until Merv and that penultimate over. But the drama did not stop there. With 1 ball left and 10 runs left, we all knew the game was now really over, except Mr Ric, that is. For some reason, only known to him, he decided to call a mid-pitch conference to discuss tactics. And that my friend, is RED VELVET!! DEATH NOTICE: IN VERY FAMILIAR SCENES,
STEVE "IDIOT" WERREN ARRIVED YET AGAIN LATE AT WELLINGTON SCHOOL, SMOKE AND
STEAM POURING OUT OF HIS BELOVED VAUXHALL CARLTON No. 231. TRAGICALLY FOR THE
LITTLE BLOKE, IT FINALLY PASSED AWAY AFTER BEING FOLLOWED HOME BY MR RIC IN
ANOTHER VAUXHALL. A SERVICE HELD IN ITS MEMORY WILL BE HELD ON TOUR ... VALLEY END GO COMPLETELY (LOLLI)
POP!! After the opposition got off to a familiar flyer being 0 for 72 off 12, the new never-say-die Nepos hit back. And before you could say "more donuts please", Tum's buoyant lime green and magenta machine were enjoying the famous tea, having skittled Valley End for 153. And just when the cricketing world was adding an obituary regarding the demise of lolli-pop bowling to that of those dark Donnelly days and Werren's beloved Vauxhall, guess what happened ... Up bobs LPK and grabs a career best 7 for 45 off 12 overs to leave the batsman with their heads shaking in bemusement, the rest of the Nepos with their heads shaking in amazement and Funky Donnelly sending abusive text messages from his newly found cricket club at Johns O'Groats. Inevitably the match had to be put back 20 minutes as we waited for Werren to arrive in a Vauxhall. No, it had not been raised from the dead. Our pint-sized rock star choose Jacko's bucket of rust to make the journey from Kilburn, via Wembley to the Surrey ground. Jackson, normally a reliable timekeeper was severely reprimanded by Tum for being so stupid to allow Werren anywhere near his car. And for his sins he was relegated to that of opening bowler. Unbelievably, Jacko had been leading the bowling averages with his two fluke wickets from earlier in the season. But it did not take long for those to be completely ruined as he served up absolute dross. Never again should Werren be allowed near our opening batsman's vehicle. However, this was nothing compared to the other opening bowler, Dick Sutton. Deek began with wide, wide, 4, wide ... His 10-ball over going for stacks and setting an awful trend. The Nepos were in dire straights, when inspired captaincy saw Tum turn back the clock and call upon two former bowling stalwarts - Roly Monk and Bomber Dale to rescue the side. What was to follow will go down in the history of this great game and great club as the pair destroyed the entire Valley End line up. Roly - the new Freddy Flintoff of village cricket - cleaned up the opening pair while LPK was at work the other end taking his first two wickets with familiar leg stump full tosses. Finally Bomber got a few off his lollis to pop onto the soft surface and all hell broke loose for batsman. Then thumped for 4 when on a hat-trick by a bloke playing his first game for 29 years, Bomber kept "charging" in and the wickets kept falling. With Roly picking up his third wicket, ignoring his latest injury - a weak heart - it soon became a private contest who was going to clean up the tail. That honor fell to LPK as the last man was caught by, guess who, Roly Monk, taking a fine running catch on the boundary give Bomber his first ever 7-wicket haul. The Nepo reply had a familiar slow start with Louie Mapperson and Stoney struggling to avoid dots. With them gone, enter Stocks and Graheeeeeeeeemie and they game was virtually over before you could say, who the hell is David Donnelly? Stocker smashed a stylish 49 while Lawes was on fire, unbeaten on 70 and the Nepos were once again celebrating. A 4-way Naca vote tie (Mr Ric also voting) was followed by 3 blind vote-offs. Once again LPK was proud to walk out to his son Greg ("I am not a Kiwi") Dale, wearing Red Velvet, declaring that his fellow players had just voted him man-of-the-match... Long live lolli-pops!! Tragically in so doing, he denied a maiden century (ever) to a young man with a tricky-to-pronounce surname playing in his Nepos debut. It was the sort of decision that sees talented young cricketers lost to the Nepos, turning to clubbing, lawn-bowls and spending their weekends touring doughnut factories. Further proof that we couldn't start a match on time if our lives depended on it saw a 9 man Nepotist outfit belatedly take to the field first with three debutants, a 2nd gamer and no fewer than three Steves. This was before Bomber arrived on his trusty pedally and Mr Ric (with kit) got in sometime before 3pm. The shock was Steve Werren arriving well before the start. Having littered the hard shoulders of England with Vauxhall Caveliers for nearly two decades our keeper and his trusty kanine companion have bought themselves a van and it looks to have paid off. After such a disruptive start, the Nepos bowled and fielded quite well, restricting the much-heralded Epsom to under 200. It was the Merv and Daisy show early on as Dillon and Atkinson opened the bowling with tight spells. After an hour the Nepos enjoyed an orange drink knowing they had removed the opposition's captain, while the resident 'boring bastard' was farming the strike and thus keeping the scoring rate down. After drinks our captain introduced the Lollipop King with immediate results, dismissing yet another youngster who couldn't handle his confectionary. But it was to be no seven wicket candy picnic for Bomber this week. Epsom's burly left-hand middle order batsman proceeded to deposit our hero's lollipops into the local traffic with regularity on his way to a brutal half century. In general, the fielding was good with debutants Blance and Irishman McGurk patrolling well in the covers. The most 'creative' fielding of the day came from Daisy Atkinson putting in a fantastic dive for a ball down on the boundary. However, somebody forgot to tell Daisy that there is little advantage to be gained from diving for a ball that has already come to a halt of its own accord, especially when said ball has already crossed the boundary rope:- Nomination and Red Velvet. Indeed, Atkinson's fielding technique could at best be described as confusing - he took a catch two inches off the ground with the fingers up technique. Even the batsmen were confused as one pair began to play ring-a-rosie in mid-pitch to a Daisy mis-field. A straight-forward run-out should have ensued but for Steve Werren who forgot to take the ball before removing the bails. Apart from that, the little man's keeping was of a particularly high standard especially when up to the stumps to the medium pace of the impressive 3rd Steve aka Fieval.). But the day belonged to young Andrew Nietschke. The man with the unpronounceable surname batted beautifully in his first outing since coming from that well known Nepos finishing school that is Victoria. Together with fellow opener Mapperson he guided the Nepos to a match-winning position before rain, compounded by crap captaincy, robbed him and the Nepos of certain glory. Bomber Dale was the last to leave the ground, riding out in the glorious late-afternoon sunshine. Epsom CC 193-7 (40 Overs): Dillon 10-3-24-1, Atkinson 7-2-16-0, Andrew 10-0-52-1, Dale 9-0-62-2, Gallasch 5-0-35-3 Nepotist CC 123-0 (23.3 Overs) Nietschke 94* (87 balls), Mapperson 23*(47 balls) Pom count: 2 * not really that unlikely Chasing something between 164 and 167 to win (scoring controversy), Reigate amazingly couldn't get the 14 runs required off the last lollipop over, bowled by Roly Monk, and came up 9 short. That Roly Monk couldn't get the 4 wickets the Nepos required for victory in that last over is less amazing, although it was countered by him getting 2 of the 4 bowling Bomber style lollipops. With Reigate 8 wickets down as time expired, it left the Nepos tantalisingly close to a stunning victory. But, for the second week in a row, captain Tum Carthew had to settle for a draw, leaving the door open for Donnelly type captaincy abuse. Good luck on tour Tum. Tum's day didn't start well as he lost the toss and the Nepos were inserted. A rain delay meant a late start, and more beer at the Red Lion, which amazingly seemed to affect Reigate more than the Nepos as Jackson and Lewis Mapperson got the Nepos off to a solid start. They put on 69 for the first wicket before Jacko (30) couldn't take the pain of being outscored by Lewis any longer, and rightfully was bowled. As Roly Monk strode to the wicket at number 3, you just had the feeling something was about to go horribly wrong. It did. They brought on their lollipop bowlers. Monk (15) spooned a sitter to silly mid on, Lewis (46) jug avoided and Lennon (0) played the perfect family man and quickly rushed into, then out of the middle without troubling the scorers. So quick was his innings that his wife and kids and in-laws didn't even know he'd been gone. Tum (0) however made Peter's innings look an absolute epic, as his pathetic prod to mid off from his very first ball left him on kit for the 25th time in his long and illustrious career. Merv Dillon's 2004 batting average before this game was 120, a number he made everyone aware of before the match. He now averages 60.5... Ollie Patterson's 34 off 24 balls added some respectability and speed to the score. It was much needed given Derek Lec Leckenby's 23 came off 112 balls before he poked a straight lollipop to a straight fielder. It was later revealed that Derek's innings was made under great duress as the previous Friday he had been instrumental in causing Morrisons (now the owners of Safeway) to issue their first profit warning in 37 years of successful trading. Derek is still hoping to be in a job by tour...fat f*cking chance! A late flurry by Donnelly (8*) with Mr Ric (4) saw us past the psychologically important 163 mark, before Luke and number 11 Joelle Carthew put on a final, undefeated partnership of 1, meaning Joelle's contribution to the game already far outweighed that of her captain and husband and lover.** Reigate's innings started in familiar fashion...the pink wig quickly circulating amongst the Nepo fielders. The 'highlight' was wicket keeper Jacko's dropping of a sitter of a skier. His excuse that Steve Werren's under 10 size wicket keeping gloves caused him to only get finger tips to the catch fell on deaf ears, and that my friend was the Naca. And all this despite being the first wicket keeper since the 1989 season to concede absolutely zero byes, execute a stunning stumping and a brilliant one-handed run out...pr1cks. Two wickets to Merv (more of bowler) and one to Ric were good rewards for steady, if unlucky early bowling. Despite that, Reigate progressed unspectacularly towards the target, and looked the likely winners. Patterson proved to be more of a batsman than bowler, and was replaced by Monk. With him bowling very slow lollipops, and Reigate needing 35 off 5 overs with 6 wickets in hand, the home team now seemed certain victors. What they didn't counter was Donnelly's spin. Two wickets to him, including the stumping of Allan Stamper's twin brother for 53, plus a run out, saw the Nepos in with a sniff of victory. Eventually it all came down to the last over. Sadly it proved an anti-climax, with Roly getting only 2 wickets of the 4 wickets required for a Nepo victory, and Reigate not getting the 14 runs they needed from the over. Despite Jacko getting the Naca, the Nepos were universal in blaming Roly for the lack of victory...how difficult is it to get 4 wickets in one over, bowling lollipops?? Joelle's fielding and throwing put that of her male team mates to shame, and was unanimously voted woman of the match, just ahead of Tum Carthew. ** Just for clarification purposes,
Joelle's captain, husband and lover is suspected to be the same person. That is,
she has one captain, one husband and one lover, and they all have the same name.
Unless anyone knows any different... |
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