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On a freezing cold day, Nepos fielded first and included 2 new debutants, both suprisingly from Australia. Both Mark Vander and Geoff Dillon were to leave their mark on the game and it was Mark who shone first with a brilliant throw from the deep to run out the Downs opening bat. Stats kings Monk and Robinson would later debate the last time in Nepotist history such a long distance throw hit the stumps... eerrr, maybe it was the first time ever. Balden was the pick of the bowling picking up 4 wickets and using the drift to good effect. El Presidente was in fine fettle behind the sticks, throwing himself around like David Seaman and only 4 catches went down. Having had them 150 for 7 we allowed them back in to get 214, but we felt there was a chance. After a slow but steady start, Stocker began to find his touch and when Roly joined him we were back on track. With 140 required from 20 overs the pressure was on. Shakin' Stocks bagged the first half century of the season and with some sensible hittting from Roly, good progress was made. When Dick and Geoff Dillon came together
70 were required from 7 and then 32 from 3. In the penultimate over, in near
darkness, the fireworks happened with Dillon hitting 14 in 3 balls and
decimating the club kitbag in the process, using a total of 3 bats. With the
scores level he departed, leaving Ato Balden to allow one through his legs to
seal a fine first victory. Only seven regulars were on the field for unbelievably early 1.30pm start. Naturally we bowled. Joelle Carthew had to don the whites yet again for the whole fielding session. Eventually Mark Vander turned up to take a spectacular catch as soon as he appeared on the ground and LPK arrived after passing a last-minute SARS test. Despite the lack of numbers, it was all looking good for the now 9-man, one woman outfit. Tight bowling by skipper Sutton and Dillon had Teddington struggling at 33 for 3 after an hour. Then LPK opened his season's tally with a classic lolli-pop-caught-on-the-boundary and the opposition were in deep poop at 4 for 50. Then the wheels fell off. The Teddington batsmen suddenly realised the best way to play slowish balls from the bowling "end of death", was basically to HIT IT and let the wind and the slope do the rest. This began in LPK's 5th and final over which went for 16. Next it was Stoney's turn to have a go into the wind. Not much success from his 4 overs which yielded 0 for 43. Finally the ball was thrown to Tum Carthew. With one over, 0 - 25, his season's figures are already looking weary and before you could say "go and fetch that", Teddington declared on a healthy 4 for 256 with one lucky batsman making a tidy 151 not out. Stocks immediately counter attacked. He led the Nepo run chase with an array of attacking shots. Unfortunately he failed to actually hit the cherry, taking just the 33 balls to get off the mark, and was eventually cleaned bowled for 11. Vander's controversial dismissal (he says he missed and the ball apparently did not hit him or his pads, but somehow deflected to 2nd slip) led to the inevitable collapse. Carthew came in and went out for 6. Leckers lasted 2 balls. Last week's hero with the bat, Dillon, faced just the ONE ball and Stoney went on a dot-a-thon before he went. With 20 overs remaining, 6 for 70 and only Bomber to come in, it was up to Mr Rik and the other Dot King, Sutton, with 41 not out, to save the day. Our thanks go to Michael Fish, whose shower with 5 overs left, brought the game to a drab conclusion. But stiff cheddar, that's a draw. In what must be a first, the NACA was
awarded to a Nepo couple: the Carthews. Tum, for his desperate attempt to lift
his average by claiming he did actually hit a 4 in his magnificent innings of 6.
And his good wife for also trying to protect his average by spilling tea all
over the opposition's brand new cricket book. And don't they both look so good
in red velvet!! And so it was on Sunday when 11 drowned Nepo rats finally left the field with Roehampton’s batting hopes washed away after being sunk for just 96. Naturally the sun returned for the Nepotist innings and it took just 20 overs for the world’s most famous cc to knock up their 2nd victory of the 2003 season. A late organised tie that thanks to the conference, proved you don’t have to drive 150 miles to find an ideal country setting. Putney Common proved to be just that. It also proved that even if a match was played in North Wembley, Steve Werren would still be late! In his first match as captain, Luke Donnelly lost the toss and a good toss to lose it proved. “Merv” Dillon and Alex Trlin soon had Roehampton’s openers jumping all over the place on a true sticky wicket. Wickets were bound to fall. Merv took 3 for 14 off 9 fiery overs. Trlin should have had more than just the one wicket. In one over he accepted an easy caught and bowled chance – but off a no ball. Only to drop another legitimate chance 2 balls later. A nomination duly followed. With the arrival of the rain came the Nepo wet weather specialist Mr Ric who revelled in the extremely sticky conditions snapping up 4 for 16 off 8. One more year please Ric. Byrne picked up a wicket in only his second ball for NCC and LPK took 1 for 22 off 8, with the batsman missing the barrage of leg side long hops. The Nepotist reply began in a predictable manner: Werren, swinging wildly across the line for only the 14,000th time in his career. He was naturally bowled middle stump for a paltry 4. However fellow opener, Mark Vander, who had been sleeping rough on Putney Common since Friday evening in a desperate attempt not to be late for the third match running, was well accustomed to the local conditions. He helped himself to an unbeaten 56 and with Stocks chipping in for 30, the Nepos were soon celebrating. The NACA vote began in a predictable
manner: Bomber being nominated for over a dozen misdemeanours. The vote also
ended in a predictable manner with LPK wearing red velvet for the first of,
surely many, this season. In a frenzied match of non-stop big-hitting, the carnage of the bowlers was lead by the Gay Victorian Bruce Jackson, who broke his own all-time Nepotist record with a magnificent unbeaten 163. In his first match since his dramatic Nepo Of The Year triumph at last year’s AGM, Jacko made a mockery of Frencham’s very respectable total, bringing the match to a close with 15 overs to spare. With able support from David Stocks (miss one, hit one for 53) they put on a record 185 unbeaten stand to prove beyond doubt that the small scenic Frensham ground is the true bowlers’ graveyard in English cricket. A combined total of 24 sixes were belted out of the park as both sides rattled up just under 500 runs in 83 overs of batting madness. First to feel the pain were the Nepo bowlers who shared the wickets and runs amongst themselves. “Merv” Dillon and Mr Ric opened tidily but still went for over 4 an over. After 20 long overs, captain Sutton finally made a bowling change: enter the Lolli Pop King. Bomber, probably more than most, knows all about the pain of Frencham, being the first and only Nepo bowler to go for over 100 runs here two years ago. A wicket-maiden opening, followed by 3 more tidy overs including another maiden, seemed to indicate that perhaps the Frencham monkey was off his back. Unfortunately not. Three sixes in one over by the local fat-bastard and a final over that went for 26 – breaking Carthew’s record of just two weeks ago – ensured LPK’s Frencham nightmare continued. Luke Donnelly did not fare too much better with his 1 for 69 off 11 and it was left for Sutton and Monk (2 lucky wickets) to clean up the tale. Last week’s batting hero, Mark Vander, soon found himself on kit, as he was dismissed for just 6 with a miracle one handed catch. Werren, then unleashed his “secret weapon” in his desperate attempt to stop his suicidal swipes to leg and being bowled. As he marched to crease he left £20 to be spent on the bar if he was bowled while swiping. Naturally this ploy failed, as he swiped madly only to be caught at mid-wicket for 23. As he was not bowled, the 20 quid will jackpot to the Wycombe House match. However the day undoubtedly belonged to Bruce Jackson. It was majestic and near faultless innings as he smashed the Frencham lolli-pop bowlers repeatedly back over the heads for six after six. After only just 38 overs it was time
celebrate and decide who would be wearing red velvet. A vote-off occurred
between Werren and Bomber. And just like his Frencham bowling monkey, Dale can
not seem to be able to shake his NACA hoodoo as well, making it two jackets in a
row! In response to the Nepos 9-226 off just 96 overs, the Wycombe House batsmen had no reply to Bomber's swinging lollipops, being dismissed for just 90 runs. Six batsmen (sic) succumbed to his flight and guile, and by the time they could say "he's so crap he should be playing in our 5th XI", the game was over. Bomber's career best return of 6-34, incredibly including 2 wicket maidens, will undoubtedly see him crapping on about it for years, perhaps even more so than Roly Monk and that lucky hundred versus Whitchurch Juniors in 1935. OK - maybe not. Winning the toss, Club Captain Roly Monk controversially decided to bat first. With a bowling attack seemingly lacking much in the way of pace, bowling a team out to win a game for the first time since 1993 was going to be a tough ask. Last week's hero Jackson quickly turned to zero as he was bowled for just the 6 runs. In the process, he did pass 10,000 career Nepotist runs, the first batsman to do so for the club. Many Nepo bowlers have passed the 10,000 mark, but more so on the runs conceded side. Vander (16) flattered to deceive, Stocks dotted and wafted for 7, and at 3-40, the Nepos were in trouble. A 76 run partnership between Monk (53) and Carthew (48) turned the game back the Nepos way. Both eventually sacrificed their wickets to lollipops, an ominous sign of things to come. Mark Robinson's previous 7 innings had yielded 7 scores of between 4 and 8 runs. Something had to give - and give it did! Calling for an ambitious second leg-bye, Stoney ran himself out for absolutely zero runs. Either upset with himself or Umpire Vander's decision (3rd umpire not required), Stoney stormed back the pavilion, smashed his helmet into the change room wall, threw his kit all over the place, then swore at his own home answer machine. The result was inevitable - Naca! Slow starting Deek Sutton held the tail together as Donnelly, Transport and El Presidente each made 6 valuable runs. Bomber Dale's 6 not out at the death saw him crapping on at tea - little did we know that 2 hours later he would take 'crapping on' to a new level. Deek delayed the declaration until about 5.45pm, a time which miraculously coincided with his 50, and yet another not out. As the Wycombe reply began, Sutton threw caution to the wind, opening the attack with Mark 'Haulage' Transport (last competitive cricket game - 1993) and Bomber Dale (27 runs hit off an over last week). And what an inspired decision it turned out to be. Transport's 12 opening overs saw him return 2-35 (and very sore ankles, back, legs and shoulder). Bomber's lollipops soon saw the Wycombe batsmen swinging for the boundaries. But, unlike last week, the only place the ball swung was down fielders throats, with Vander (on the boundary) and Carthew each taking good catches. With Wycombe struggling at 8-76 and the match under control, Super Skipper Deek Sutton threw the ball to Stoney to finish off the tail. Sadly, the only thing that Stoney finished off was his day, as Carthew dropped one on the boundary, leaving Stoney wicketless and runless. Two Sutton inspired run outs brought the match to a quick conclusion and it was high 5s all round for the mightly Nepos. Bomber's 14 overs went for just 34 runs,
a new world record. Anyone wanting him to talk through his 6 wickets should call
him on 0891 666 6666. Calls cost £2 per second and should only take 93 minutes. The Nepos arrived with a full strength side at the lovely setting of the former Douai College but only courtesy of the fact that Tim Hardy and Peter Hayley had signed up to play on the basis that the match was at Elstree, Herts. A school-boy error, this, as anyone could have told them that the Fixture Secretary would not go as far as to arrange a fixture North of London which would have entailed a journey of more than 30 minutes from his house! The Nepos elected to field on the basis that we had XI and they didn't as their key player, the legendary sports reporter Ralph Dellor, had to read the Radio Berkshire news at 2pm so was going to arrive a little late. Early wickets tumbled thanks to excellent opening spells from Mark Transport and 3-bats Merv Dillon. Transport gave nothing away for his wicket and Merv used a disciplined form of anger management to take two wickets in 2 balls and finish with 2 for 30 off 14 overs. Meanwhile Elstree's Welsh Wizard started to loosen his shoulders and a big score looked possible. Time for Luke Funky Donnelly to spin it, and spin it he did. Returning figures of 4-48 he also managed to remove the Welshman and turn the match. As soon as their major threat was dismissed for 66, skipper Sutton made a key decision - he decided to bring himself onto bowl to finish off the tail despite promising the next over to one of the other "thin spinners". This extraordinary piece of captaincy, while technically working well as he took the last two wickets, ensured the NACA would find its way to his door later in the afternoon. Another extraordinary moment then followed - the Nepos actually came out to bat before tea. Luckily Club Captain Monk wasn't there to open or there would have been a protest so Mark Vander and Peter Hayley got us off to a great start, coming in for tea at 30 without loss. Naturally, after a break for some excellent cakes, the Nepos slumped to 60 for 6 with the legend Ralph Dellor taking 5 wickets in an extraordinary spell. As a loss loomed large we were desperately hoping that the "cricketing commentator" would also have to read the local news at 6pm thus removing himself from the attack, but no such luck. Batsmen came and went including Tim Carthew, Tim "Hannibal" Hardy, Stocker and Stoney. The latter reached double-figures for the first time in 12 innings with an immense 6 before being given out LBW by Transport and his faithful guide dog. Fortunately Merv removed Stoney's bat and other kit from him before he could reach the changing room. Stevie Werren and Funky Donnelly came to the rescue with an excellent partnership to see the Nepos home. The 5-4 field gradually moved to 1-8 as Elstree partially worked out Stevie's leg-side strategy. Unfortunately for them they failed to put anyone at "three-quarters moo" and Stevie finished unbeaten on 33 and Luke on 23. Another great victory taking the Nepos
to a 5W-1D record this season. The absence of Club Captain Monk ensured that
post-match cakes were available for all and it was beers all round in the
Falmouth Arms! The biggest incident of the day was the lowest Nepo Pom count since records began - a staggering 2. Nevertheless, the Nepos were grateful to Luke Donnelly for recruiting a few of his mates to make up the numbers and we turned up with 11 - well 9 ,until Werren lapped the ground looking for an entrance after sorting a last minute domestic plumbing issue. Despite a fairly dead wicket and good batting track, all the bowlers persevered to restrict Spencer to 200 off 40 overs. Donnelly finished with 3 wickets and is also on a hat trick next week, Sutton 2, Dillon (the pick of the bowlers) 1 and one each for Nepo new boys Bok 'Grunt' and Aussie 'Tone'. In the absence of Dale, Tum Carthew manfully filled the shoes of the Lollipop King by giving the ball plenty of air. However, this time he was not given 8 fielders at deep midwicket and thus denied of the success that Bomber usually enjoys, but at least the rest of the team did not have to endure him crapping on about it. Spencer may have been dismissed sooner had it not been for the 8 year old doing the umpiring steadfastly refusing to give his dad, uncle and brother out, despite some coaching from Funky Donnelly. New Boy 'Grunt' and Jacko were far too good for the weak Spencer attack and rattled along at 10 an over as the Muchtap brothers and Mr Jalfrezi took a pasting. Singles were eschewed in preference of 4s and 6s and 'Grunt' soon made a very stylish debut fifty before departing. Steve Werren's plumber Kiwi Malcolm got 20 off 8 balls before spooning a catch, and Stocker finished off with a rapid unbeaten 30. The irrepressible Jacko finished with 89 not out, taking his average to a billion for the season. NACA went to Stocker for being one of
two Poms - slightly harsh but with new Nepos on board, most of the team followed
Werren's voting lead. Roll on Wellington Occasionals. Setting the young upper class school side a reasonable 198 for victory, the posh kids reached the target with the loss of only 2 wickets, sending the one-time harmonious Nepos into a frenzy of recriminations. And to rub salt into the wounds of "England's" greatest village cricket team, most the damage was naturally inflicted by a member of the "old enemy", with an 18-year-old from Melbourne, over on a year's work experience at the Berkshire school, plundering an unbeaten century. Tum Carthew, captaining the side for the first (and now probably only) time this season, naturally and deservedly took most of the blame. He was immediately NACA-ed post match for his appalling leadership. Later that evening, Joelle issued divorce proceedings and he was last heard of camped outside an Auckland employment office. Questions were also being asked of the selectors. How could they send out such an unbalanced side? With native Englishmen Robinson and Chairman Lennon selected, there proved to be "two too many" Poms in the team. Defeat was just a matter of time... However, it all started so well for the Nepos after electing to bat first on a belter of wicket. In his debut innings for the club, Louie Napperson opened with a hard fought 52 while "Funky" Donnelly proved he was more of a batsman than a bowler, with a fine big hitting 73. Over a hundred had been put on by the opening pair when Carthew came in and went out for 14. And before you could say "gee we have a crap middle order", bowlers Mark Transport and Robinson were padding up. Lennon 6, Matt Glynn- a debut 4 and Merv "half bat" Dillon out for just 1. Werren, desperate to save his £20, actually played some shots to the offside. Naturally a wild swish to leg brought his downfall for only the 12,343rd time in his career. The LBW decision meaning the dosh jackpots to Valley End. Unlike Sutton, who only declares in the dark or when he has past 50, Carthew called his side back in at the unbelievably early time of 4.40pm, giving the local kids plenty of time to chase. A deadly lolli-pop brought an early break through from Bomber and hopes were high. But then, in a slight rarely seen on English soil, their batsman actually batted properly. They blocked the straight ones and took advantage of the loose ones. Who taught them that? It's just not cricket! It soon became a matter of the Nepos
trying to contain the match to a draw. No hope with Wellington's young Melbourne
lad in fine form. Spurred on by hearing the two British accents in the Nepo
side, he relentlessly wore down the attack, bringing up victory and his ton with
2 overs to spare. Skipper Sutton chose to bat on what usually is a good batting track and so it proved. Jacko and Stevie Werren started steadily and made good progress until Stevie Werren was unusually caught out after trying to work the ball through the on side from 6 ft outside the off stump, sadly cutting short his 350 ball cameo.Then came Stocker, who with Jacko put on a 150+ stand during which they creamed the ball to all parts of the outfield. Despite Jacko's head start Stocker nearly caught up with him with some superb strokeplay. One of the Valley Enders, most of whom were shitfaced after a big do in the clubhouse the night before, ended up with a dislocated finger after trying to stop a meaty drive. After Jacko reached his customary Valley End ton, he departed and was replaced by skinhead Carthew who immediately was in to his stride. Then Stocks, on 99, missed a big heave and was out one short of a well deserved ton. He can however seek solace in the fact he reached a staggering 9.7 on the MonkStocks Purple Face Index, returning to the pavilion a dark shade of beetroot. It was not the record for a purple face, Monk having registered a 9.9 on the day after his stag weekend at Ham & Petersham a couple of years ago, when he turned dark purple after an all run 3. Tum and Roly then crashed a few to give us a total of 273. After a sumptuous tea, Merv Dillon and Trannie bowled tightly enough as Valley End made a steady start. Merv got the breakthrough, and then Dale weaved his customary magic as the slow bowlers came on. Runs were scored, wickets fell and Groucho Donnelley crabbed his way around the outfield. The champagne fielding moment belonged to Stocks- as the batsman skied one of Bombers 'spinners', Stocker positioned himself under the ball's flightpath. However, although the catch looked on, Stocker was shaking at three times the rate that the ball was spinning in the air and the ball was destined never to rest in his cupped hands.Sutton, Stoney and Donnelly picked up a wicket each to add to Bomber's haul of 4 but after we had them 8 down they shut up shop, well adrift of our total. Sutton's unbeaten captaincy season came to an end, and with Antipodean sport in a parlous state, God only knows how we will fare for the rest of the season. Stocks won the Naca, for monumental jug
avoidance and making Molly Jackson cry. All ready there have been calls for a return to the glorious Deeeek days of Nepotism after such an abrupt reversal in the club's form. But going on THAT MAN's performance on Sunday, Tum's job seems safe for now... Tragically, Dick Sutton is a shadow of his former self. He is obviously not coping with his demotion to the status of just a normal team cricketer. He opened the bowling against the previously "soft" Epsom batting line up (Jacko and Bomber taking 4 wickets each last year) and before you could say "does anyone know a good sports psychologist" Sutton had gone for 0 for 59 off just 6 overs. Then to complete his "worst ever" match for the Nepos, he led a top order batting collapse getting out with a pitiful waft for just 6. Alex Triln, finally returning to Nepotism after escaping the dreaded huge and heavy thumb of his girl friend, did not fare much better. His 8 overs went 53 and after only 10 overs, Epsom had raced to 90 for 1. Desperate to slow the flood of runs, Tum turned to his leading wicket takers Dale and Donnelly - and they did not disappoint. "Funky" Donnelly immediately snapped up 3 wickets and a 4th followed not long later. "LPK", seeing his wicket-taking lead dwindling, jumped in on the act and grabbed 3 for himself. Epsom's innings was now in disarray and it appeared a "bowl off" was set to occur between Bomber and Gordo for the tail. However, much to this correspondence disgust, lolli-pops were dispensed with (ok, ok, I may have chuntered and whinged the odd 30 to 40 times) and it was left to Luke and Ric to finish off them off. Despite taking a wicket with his very first ball, Mr Ric and Gordo failed to drive the nail into the Epsom coffin. They managed to bat out a further 14 long overs taking the score to a respectable 214 until their number 10 committed suicide to bring up Donnelly's first 5 wicket haul for the Nepos. Um, well done, Luke ... Before you could say: "come back Jacko and Stocksy" our reply was in an absolute shambles. At 21 for 5 off 10, record lowest scores were being talked about. Haley 1, Lewis 5, Sutton 6 and big ducks to Werren, Gideon and Andrew made thoughts of victory seem an impossibility. Tum, however, had other ideas. Playing a true captain's innings, he smashed a fantastic 64. With support from Mattress (17) and Alex (10) they gave the Nepos a faint flicker of hope. The final wicket pair of Donnelly and Dale needed 60 at 7 an over . Despite some brief heroics from Luke who belted 23 (more of a batsman than an bowler?), this was always going to be too much an ask, especially with Dale (definitely, more a bowler than a batsman) having his off peg knocked over for 7. Your correspondent was later tragically
NACAed for the 3rd time this season for his loud appeal for an ABSOLUTE plumb
LBW against a 14-year-old and the very occasional piece of chuntering in the
field... The majority of the once mighty Nepos arrived up to 2 hours early for the long awaited clash with the Reigate Pilgrims. Long awaited for the fact that the 1st class Red Lion Pub is situated at deep backward point / cows corner. The early turn out was put down to the absence of Bomber 'Pie Chucker' Dale. Normally with Dale operating from the Cow Pat end there is an excellent opportunity for a couple of pints each time a ball is dispatched into the bar. Unfortunately with Dale away in Pamplona on representative bull shitting duty the team thought it necessary to build up their pint quota prior to the start. Despite the unusually early turn out, out of respect to the absent Steve Werren (Bomber's coach and mentor) play still got under way 20 minutes late. A super hyped Captain Carthew won the toss and had no hesitation in electing to bat. Thoughts of a big score were fading fast as Jackson and Vander prodded and pushed to 18 off the 1st 8 overs until the latter unleashed a mighty off drive for his 1st ever 6 (!) and preceded to wield the willow with flair and aggression. Unfortunately most of this was carried out in the club house as he relived this mighty blow time and again for young son Angus as he (Mark that is not Angus) was comprehensively bowled soon after. Enter David Stocks. A blistering cover drive for 4 to get off the mark set the tone and it wasn't long before Jackson was similarly inspired to open the shoulders and yet another Stocks / Jackson partnership kept the scorers busy. Unfortunately in a bizarre suicide pact both batsman succumbed in quick succession to the Pilgrims answer to Bomber Dale - Jackson Hari-Kari* for 61 and Stocks falling on his sword** for 34. The now compulsory middle order collapse was continued nicely by Mapperson and Carthew before some sanity was restored by Peter Lennon. Despite some vigorous appealing against the club chairman the ship was steadied. One loud stumping appeal against Lennon in the direction of Carthew, wearing the umpires coat at square leg, was met by an appeal from our Captain back to the wicket keeper. This was followed by the first of many impromptu hakas for the afternoon by the fired up Kiwi. After some consultation amongst the batsman and fielders it was decide that a) he was not out and b) T.C. should be kept away from the testosterone injections before the next fixture. A 50 run 7th wicket stand between Lennon (33) and ex-captain Sutton (32), along with some late big hitting from Robinson (..6..4..out) and Donnelly (fours from the last 2 deliveries) saw the Nepos set a competitive 216. With play delayed after tea as our resident diva Jacko refused to leave the changing room until more Perrier was delivered, it was always going to be a big ask of the Pilgrims to knock off the runs in the time remaining. A tight opening spell from Dillon and Andrew including a disputed Nepo record 4 maidens in a row followed on by some equally economical bowling from last weeks punching bag Sutton, saw the required run rate rocketing. The match referee is still to table his report but in an 'alleged' attempted case of sabotage Donnelly and Robinson brought the opposition screaming back into the game, giving away 90 runs between them in 11 overs. Furthering the conspiracy theory, 80 of these runs were scored to (or more precisely through) one fielder - Mark Vander. Added to this, the high extras count meant our Captain was soon looking down the barrel of a 3rd straight defeat. But it was not to be. More impromptu Hakas (made all the more ferocious by the pink wig) and the return of Dillon and Andrew saw the Pilgrims trek fall short at 209 for 8 and Geoff '3 bats, Merv, Dillo, Terminator, Big Balls'Dillon pick up a well deserved 5 for. The NACA was won by Mark Vander from the hari-kari, Perrier drinking, diva Jacko and the still haka-ring Tum, somewhat justifiably for a fielding display which could only be described as a cross between Rudolph Nureyev, Benny Hill and Stevie Wonder. At one stage as soon as the ball was struck in Mark's direction we'd yell out 'save your legs' to the batsman and the umpire would signal 4. Rumour has it he is leaving the Nepos soon to take up a position as head fielding coach at W.A. cricket. * wild swat at a lollipop and stumped ** wild swat at a lollipop and stumped The culprit was once again Colin "Bomber" Dale, who once again showed the capacity to self destruct that has threatened to take the gloss off a glittering cricketing career by delivering a string of expletives to bewildered Burgh Heath Batsmen in a crazy 15 minute Rusedski like on-pitch meltdown that had even the most hard nosed Aussies reaching for their swearing Thesaurus. It also serve to detract from the other highlight of the day which was Bomber's half mast pair of comedy cricket trousers, so ridiculous that even Charlie Chaplin would have turned them down. The mulletted Dale has, of course, been no stranger to controversy in the past. In a Devon golfing incident a couple of years ago, he reacted viciously to spiteful taunts about his revolting green lycra cycling shorts, administered by a threatening Blue rinse female pensioners fourball at a course outside Sidmouth. Understandably intimated, Dale responded with " stiff sh*t and get f*cked", thus earning himself a lifelong ban from the said golf course. Although it was thought that Bomber had put the incident behind him, his demons resurfaced in the wilting heat. The ACB were considering a $3000 fine, but retracted it after agreeing a deal on 2004 Pamplona vouchers and a few eskies of free piss. In terms of the game itself, Nepotists creamed their way to a record total. Dillon and Vander started brightly and quickly. Vander trebled his career six count in the course of a stylish fifty and Dillon proved his allrounder status with a quick thirty odd, laced with graceful Waugh like strokes. Stocker, in a rich vein of form at the moment, showed what a destroyer he is of weak bowling attacks and set off at a great rate. After Carthew unfortunately received the day's decent delivery, he was joined by the impish Werren, who was in murderous form and the scoreboard rattled along. Werren suprised onlookers with a host of offside shots but at the same time did not disappoint his loyal following with an array of shots out of Farmer's Weekly rather than the MCC Coaching Manual. He reached his fifty just after Stocker and the two of them helped the score past 300, much to the annoyance of the opposing skipper. Stocker ended up on an average busting 102* and Werren 77*. After a clinical performance, Stocker suggested an empty feeling after trashing their attack, a feeling reflected in the colour of his face, which was only a light crimson. A tense tea interval gave a portent of things to come. When play resumed, worst fears were confirmed as the opening pair failed to do anything more than prod about. Shortly after complaining about the wig wearing Vander, a result of sprinting towards the wicket at the same speed that the ball was sailing over his head in a blatant example of catch avoidance, the opening bat lobbed a caught and bowled to Sutton. On his way out, Bomber issued the verbals to him and pointed him in the direction of the pavilion. Worse was to follow, as the next over Bomber called the other opener an 'expletive deleted' boring bastard, prompting the batsman's spine to crumble and walk off the pitch. Bomber made an attempt to get him back out but he was having none of it, prompting an entry of 'retired queer' in the scorebook. Sutton and Andrew's mesmerising pace accounted for the top order, exposing the soft under belly for the master of drift himself. Never was there a more dangerous bowler to pot bellied balding octogenarians and primary school leavers than the man Bomber, and he made light work of the cast of Watership Down, finishing with 2 for 4 off 7 overs. Sutton finished with 4 wickets and there was one each to Luke Donnelly, who bowled a tight spell, and Mr Rik. Lewi, who also held 2 fine catches, and Mattress also bowled tidily on debut. Their opening bat returned to carry his bat for a majestic 1 not out, surely a record in any form of cricket. Bomber was unanimous winner of the NACA, such an overwhelming favourite that red velvet was being sung as he tried to nominate Carthew. Sadly, it was Mark Vander's last game as he returns the land of plenty and crap rugby teams. It has been a pleasure to have him and we all wish Mark, Katherine and Angus the very best for the future. As well as his batting, he will be
remembered for his fielding. A revelation when he first played, because he could
catch and once ran someone out with a direct hit from the boundary, he developed
an allergy for red leather during the season which prevented him from coming
into contact with a cricket ball. We can bring anyone down to our level. We wish
you well Mark and hopefully we will see you again in Nepo colours. Following up his top score of 2002 with 56 at Ham, “Gorto” smashed 64* this year to save the Nepo innings and give our bowlers something to play with. Then, in a desperate attempt to overhaul your correspondent in the highly contested leading wicket-taking department, Donnelly destroyed the H+P middle order, taking 4 wickets - 3 in one over of craziness - to set up victory. What a game for Luke. Lucky prick. I have stated all along that short, ugly, untalented Queenslander is more of a batsman than a bowler. But before you could say either “man of the match” or even utter the dreadful words “all-rounder”, Donnelly had been NACAed by his team-mates for his appalling fielding (yes, you also have to field) and for being a soft Aussie. Bad luck Gorto. It was a poor toss to lose in Tum’s last match in charge. Louie Mapperson and a greying left-hander from Epsom (who I can not mention because of lack of space) were sent out to bat on a true sticky wicket. 0 and 1 were returned by the openers. It was not long before the Nepos found themselves in a familiar position at 5-30 and facing humiliation. Stocker played the shots you would expect from the Nepo in-form batsman (Jacko dropped after a disastrous tour). But on that wicket even he succumbed and went on 31. Enter Dick “not out” Sutton and Gorto. Dick played his normal free flowing blocks and anchored the innings with 35*. He now averages 120 this season, despite a top score of just 54. Work that out. Donnelly’s fine hard hitting knock did put us right back in the match. Surely he is just a batsman!! Ham and P struggled against the fired up “Merv” Dillon, who snapped up two LBWs, and a well-tea-ed Mr Ric. Then the long awaited bowl off occurred as Tum brought on the Lolli-Pop King at one end and the extremely part-time spinner Donnelly. First strike Bomber! But before you could wipe the smile off your correspondent’s face, Gorto ripped the heart out of their innings with those 3 wickets in an over. Then to make matters worse, Lolli-Pops were disbanded with 2 more overs to bowl. Chunter, chunter, chunter … Tum, trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, turned to Louie who duly put Ham and P back into the match. With four overs go they needed less than a run a ball. Dillon then struck back aided by a damn good gully catch by myself (how much space have I left, editor?) and a top maiden by the one-legged Sutton. With nine balls left, Merv brought up victory and another five wicket haul. “Funky/Gorto” Donnelly naturally has my
full support now he is taking over the Nepo captain’s reins. So much so, I am
retiring to extended holidays in Europe. All I can say is “good luck” Luke… The Nepo Oz index registered a staggering 8, with only Stocker, Mr Rik and Tum preventing a full compliment of canary yellow. Whilst the Nepo's sported a few new faces, some semblance of tradition was maintained with our usual late arrival at the ground and subsequent late start. New Skipper Funky lost the toss and with only 5 Nepo's present (and no kit!) was invited to bat! Lewis 'the Lip' Mapperson and Tum opened proceedings and in a rare display of Australian-NZ unity, combined well to put on 105 for the first wicket. Highlight of the stand was the running of 2 leg byes which took 3 1/2 minutes to complete and saw both batsmen lap each other 5 times. Drinks came and went and so to did Mapperson for a 'tidy' 21, Tum for 65 and Werren (kit) for 14. The 'recently rejuvenated' Stocker then managed to underdeliver on two counts. He was dismissed for a comparatively pathetic 64, showing surprising inexperience by continuing to go for his shots when he could have played out the last hour to protect his buoyant average. Similarly,despite the oppressive heat, the Stockometer Facial Colour Index only registered a disappointing 'Deep Crimson' rather than the usual 'Thrombosis Purple' . The Nepo's finished up with 229-5 from 41 overs, with one of the Appleton sisters (in drag) contributing a helpful 21 on debut. Skipper Donnelly wore a contented smile as he contemplated a seemingly probable victory on his first official match in charge. Content also described Mr Rik as he proclaimed himself more than satisfied with the Checkendon tea! He may have left for his 43rd holiday this year, but the ghost of Bomber Dale loomed large as the Nepo's set about dismantling the Checkendon innings ... Stevie Werren tried manfully to introduce some 'Dale-esque niggle' to proceedings as he aggressively questioned the (admittedly dubious) turning down of two Nepo appeals. One disgruntled Checkendon batsman upon returning to the pavilion was heard to remark "that wicket keeper has got some gob on 'em". Similarly Mattress Glynn, upon taking the wicket of the top scoring oppo batsmen, then embarked upon a series of bizarre gyrations plucked straight out of the B Dale school of 'wicket taking celebrations. Mattress was dismissed to fine leg where his fist pumping celebrations continued in solitude for another 5 overs! This extraordinary display of self congratulation was only interrupted as the 'skimpy short wearing Aussie Rules player' summoned his dutiful wife Donna, to deliver his own personally monogrammed water bottle, as his fellow team mates languished in the heat. New Boy 'Flash' D' Knickers also proved that nicknames can be misleading by taking 3 wickets in a 'slow motion, LPK wannabe' bowling performance. Suffice to say that after all this action, the local team reverted to type and never seriously threatened the Nepo total. Despite wickets by D' Knickers, Merv (1), Glynn (2) and Appleton (1) Checkendon limped their way to 169 for 7 off their 42 overs. A tired and 'over heated' Nepo eleven raised their flagging spirits by making a scapegoat of Skipper Funky. Over bowled and under- wicketed the skipper wore not a winning smile but red velvet instead. Cricket is an unforgiving game. The day began on a sad note with the news of the death last year of Keith Holgate, the former Shepperton captain and all round top bloke. There was, quite rightly, an imaculately observed minute's silence to start the day. It was so hot that we were happy to call it a day after the minute's silence and go home with a draw as a result of exhaustion, but with Tum leading the side in absence of Luke Donnelly we manfully carried on. Fielding first in sweltering conditions, the Nepos did an excellent job in restricting the opposition to 178 for 9 off 45 overs. Their main batsman, who rejoiced in the charming nickname of "Belcha", got them off to a flying start and raced to fifty just before lunch. Sutton got him as he went for a big drive, and was quite suprised to be the congratulated by the batsman on his way out, whom seemed to be delighted to start lunch before everyone else. Monky also claimed a wicket before lunch. As always, lunch proved to be the highlight of the day, lasting for the not inconsiderable time of one hour and forty minutes. The post Shepperton lunch fielding session has rarely conjured up images of Jonty Rhodes in his prime, but the bowling attack of Mr Rik, Merv, Flash, Dick, Roly and Transport all bowled very tightly and the fielding was suprisingly competent in lieu of the wine intake at lunch. The bowlers were, however, aided in this respect by the Shepperton hero, Vince "Perm". Impossible to bowl to in this sort of form, he treated all bowlers with ruthless disdain, punishing anything errant with grace and power. Time after time the rifle crack sound of the ball on his bat could be heard the other side of Middlesex, the ball flying to all parts of the...eeerrr, square. Yes, such was his ability of patting back full tosses it was reckoned that Dale would have bowled 9 straight maidens. When Transport bowled him in the 44th over for 30 he was just starting to cut loose - just as well, as two more overs of that punishment and the game would have been over. Chasing a fairly modest total, Jacko and Lewi "Tidy" started well. Jacko, in horrendous form after faiing to score 170 in each of his last two innings, went off like the clappers. Whacking the ball everywhere, it was not long before he reached fifty. He offered two or three chances which Shepperton failed to take and they paid the penalty. Lewi unluckily departed for 6 off just the 38 balls, and Stocker, also in great form, joined Jacko and saw us through to Tea at about 100 for 1. After that, Shepperton pretty much gave up but there was still time for a Jacko century and an over from Vince that went for twenty odd, enabling him to achieve the unique feat of conceding runs at 2000 times the rate that he scored them. We reached the target for one wicket in the 26th over. So another victory, in one of the
hottest parts of the country on the hottest day in history. The pressure of the
heat told on Transport, who got the NACA for leaving a mysterious brown stain in
the back of his cricket trousers- a follow through to be proud off. Now we've
proved ourselves in this heat, roll on the Riyadh cricket festival. Plunged in at the captaincy deep end like Michael Vaughan, rather than applying Mr Sheen to his bald patch in preparation for a Press conference, Robinson spent the honeymoon period of his captaincy on the blower to various stray Aussies confused by the plethora of roads leading from London to Oxford. On a lovely hot day, Nepos fielded first after losing the toss. The Royal Naval Volunteer Reserve (colloquially known as the part time Botty Service by us Army types - sorry Robin) had not one representative from the boys in blue but 11 ringers from London instead. However, they did have a jolly nice chap from the Coldstream Guards who opened their batting. He batted for 10 minutes before lobbing a catch back to Mr Rik. This was quite an achievement, as 10 minutes is twice the normal concentration span of a normal Guards officer and about three times as long as they can last on an exercise before being driven back to base camp for a hot shower. With Sutton accounting for another grey haired victim at the other end, the Nepos had them 20 odd for 2 after 10 overs. This was as good as it got for the Nepos. Their middle order batsmen spanked our bowling around at will and our fielding after a long and successful season in the field began to take its toll - such is the pressure of so much cricket. The authorities must get a grip on this next season and award central contracts to regular Nepos, so they are excused from the treadmill of having to go back to work in between games and a long list of social events. A Mr Freeze and golf balling coach is also being sought for next season to spend more time with players in between games. They got at lot of runs before lunch and suprisingly even more after it, as the Nepos dined sumptuously on a slice of cold meat and a flaggon of port on a table laid for 8 players- good value for money, and certainly a good tactic of the opposition to expose the flaw in our game plan. With The Navy chaps running riot, it was left to Roly Monk to stem the flow of runs, which he did, restricting them to a mere 71 runs from his 8 overs. However, he made up for this with a top notch all round performance on the Sunday. All the bowlers got some tap, with the leg side full toss not getting as much respect as it had against Vince at Shepperton, and only latterly did we get some wickets as the slog was on. Special mention for Stevie Werren who took three very sharp stumpings near the end, warming up for his concert in the evening. Nasser Robinson rightly berated some sloppy outfielding, but I was Ok because I'm a mate of the captain. We definitely missed Merv and Luke. Their total of 286 was always going to be difficult and as a result of their tight bowling, we were always behind the asking rate. Jacko going early was a blow to our hopes and it took a good stand between Tum and Stocker to keep us in contention. Tim got 40 odd and Stocker 88, damaging his calf in the process. The middle order came and went, trying to keep up with the run rate, but there was some brave hitting at the end from Werren and Hardy. However the oppo knew they had won and
ran out comfortable victors in the end. It was a shame to have lost,
particularly to a side we would normally beat. We were just a bit short of
bowling on the day - it was no fault of Nasser Robinson, who showed more guts
than his namesake by not resigning after losing. This was a great win against all the odds for the greatest team the world has ever seen. The previous night had seen the squad perform madrigals on the lawn outside the pavilion of Brasenose College, Oxford. A moving rendition of Hotel California to the sympathetic accompaniment of Steve Werren drove many of those gathered, including the choir, to drink. Suffice to say that Dave Stocks passed out in the hotel foyer and had to be helped to his room by Merv and Stoney. They did not dare face the wrath of Mandy, so left Stocker leaning against the door of his room before knocking and legging it! Meanwhile Tum was redecorating the male restrooms with bits of chicken, charcoaled sausage and Stella. It was time for bed. Molly Jackson had listened intently to the singing about a hotel and presumed that that noise was what was required in such an establishment. Hours of wailing endeared her and her parents to staff and guests alike at Miggins Towers, a two star lodging house with paper-thin walls. So, when Nasser Robinson yet again grabbed the captain’s armband and strode out to toss on Sunday, there were plenty of fitness clouds hanging over key members of his team. It seemed easier to bat first and only subject two of his side to the sunshine and pressure out in the middle at any one time. Werren (24) and Jackson (47) got the Nepo’s off to a steady start before Werren chased a good length ball that sprung four feet over his head. Roly scoffed down a packet of Nurofen and meandered out to join a yawning Jackson. Both looked comfortable and the score moved into the eighties before the Gay Victorian was given out, stumped, by Mr Rik at square leg. Later the aged seamer was heard to say that the only doubt in his mind about the decision was whether Jacko was in or out! Shurely the Giraffe necked one had not got another dodgy decision? From then on it was all about Mozza Jones. He played with a fluency suggesting he had not been on the wife beater juice all night. He hadn’t and it showed. Glorious flat-batted hoiks to leg riled the bowlers and disrupted their length. This gave him the chance to display his full array of leg side shots as he raced to 50 and beyond. He saw Roly depart for a pedestrian 52 and then shared a productive few overs with young Mapperson. Louis looked somewhat perplexed when Mozza departed for a magnificent 67 and another Jones, Steve, strode out to the middle. Was that a pair of Craig Stadler golf shoes he was wearing? And John Daly ‘Wild thing’ batting trousers? It was! But the golfing attire did not finish there, as it appeared Steve had also brought a pitching wedge to the middle as well!! But the Australian and the founding father gelled well and were soon turning twos into ones with telepathic understanding as Steve played parachute wedge shots into the spaces between fielders. 239 was always going to be a big ask on a pitch of dubious quality and so it proved. Merv exploited the conditions with a menacing spell that induced brown stains in the oppo’s whites. His two wickets have brought him to within touching distance of Bomber at the head of the wicket-taking table. Will LPK rue his decision to take a mid season break, or will the altitude training in the Alps reap dividends in the remaining fixtures? Only time will tell. The other stunning stat to come from this fixture, apart from it being Roly’s 199th appearance in the magenta and lime green, was the catching at silly mid on and silly mid off. Six chances were snaffled close in as the pitch played tricks. Super stuff. And so it was a very proud Nasser Stone who led his troops onto the podium to collect absolutely nothing for coming third in the inaugural Isis trophy. It was such a great weekend that one thing is certain, more than twelve Nepo’s will be available for the 2004 contest. Those organisers had better increase that doughnut order now! Footnote: It should be noted that Dick
Sutton also participated in this game. Attempting a late cut, the only thing he
made contact with was his own stumps, and that my friend is out for a duck.
After all these years of tender loving attachment, one would have thought by now
Dick would be able to judge the length of his own nose, and hence avoid it
crashing into his own stumps. Inexperience of the highest level. Our pint-sized Elvis, unable to annoy the crap out of us all with yet another infamous "gay set", sung a merry tune with his bat for a change, as he led a determined run chase against the highly-fancied north London side. Hampstead were literally "singing for their supper" with the Nepos cruising in perfect harmony at 180 for 2. Then came one final encore from Stevie. Bringing the crowd to their feet with that all time favourite: "it aint over until the little fella runs you out", the Nepotists suddenly found themselves totally off key at 187 for 7 and in deep poop. In just six crazy balls, Captain Tum went for 0, immediately followed by Louie Mapperson first ball for 0. Next Werren ran out Ash Ditta for 0 before going for the really high note of destroying the average of Merv "no bats", run out for 0. With his doting fans screaming for more, and Werren on 73*, "Lord Flashart" D'Amore stepped in to put an end to the show, hitting the winning runs with 6 balls to spare leaving our aging rock star to plan his next gig wearing red velvet. Earlier, the Hampstead batsman struggled against the Nepo bowling machine and never really got going in their 40 overs. The crowd's attention was focused on the highly contested battle for this season's bowling honours. With Funky Donnelley still in hospital recovering from his latest bout of AIDS, it has turned out to be a competition of "speed versus pop" and it was the "lolli" variety that ended up at the top of the charts. Bomber, returning from altitude training, took 4 for 45, while Merv Dillon's fast tight overs yielded no wickets for 23. With 31 wickets for the year to Dillon's 26, Ladbrokes now have Dale a short-priced favorite to take the title. But as they say, it is never over until the last lolli pops ... It was a fine all round performance in the field with 2 wickets to Flash, a wicket each to Lard Ditta and Mark Transport. Even Jacko had an over which went just for 3 runs. The only disappointment was Alex Triln, arriving late after his latest crisis meeting with AA. Hungover to the max and bowling well over the legal limit, he has had his licence banned for 12 months as he rolled his arm slower than Dale, returning a pathetic 0 for 30 off just the 4 overs. Batting honours were also up for grabs, with the early hot favorite Jackson leading the Nepo reply with a solid 44. Triln also opened, but had his batting licence cancelled for 2 years after an equally pathetic 8 off 34 balls. Jacko's batting rival, the dad-to-be Stocks, has enjoyed the season of his life and so it continued until he self destructed on 54. The red-faced Pom has the run aggregate all but won and could even pass the magical 1000 runs for the season mark, but is still just behind the Gay Victorian on averages. So with just two matches to go, all Nepo
honours are up for grabs. Stay tuned to this channel ...! Following a magnificent ground record score of 253 runs by the Nepotists, the boring Whitchurch never attempted any form of run chase - and this was meant to be a limited-over match! What was once, an eagerly anticipated fixture, became a farce. Surely its future must be in doubt and all previous records against this outfit (including a fluky century by a fat Nepo "spinner") should be erased from all cricketing record books! In an inspired piece of captaincy, Tum elevated himself to the position of opener, thereby ensuring it took only one ball for the man-of-the-moment, David Stocks, to stroll to the crease replacing the skipper, his season's averages now in tatters after a second successive duck. It was business as usual for the Nepo 2003 leading run scorer. Stocks blasted 68 while surviving a couple of very close LBW shouts and being bowled off a no ball. A century in the final game will see Stocks pass 1000 runs for the season. A failure by Jackson could see the Gay Victorian lose his yearly strangle hold on the club's batting averages. Go Stocker!! Louie Mattherson complied a steady 26, Werren 37, before Stoney again proved himself the world's most "unluckiest cricketer" by being caught at 2nd slip for just 1 run. But then again, isn't Robinson more of a bowler than a batsman? After winning last year's bowling averages, another wicketless display saw his season's average pass the 120 mark with the ball! What a mare of a season, Stoney. How unlucky!! Someone who is now definitely more of a batsman than a bowler is Andrew "the only Nepo to love Whitchurch" Monk. The "club captain" certainly has a taste for Whitchurch's small boundary and home-made chocolate cake, as he spanked 66 off just 32. Nepo's "Mr Reliable" opening bowler Geoff Dillon, could soon be joining Monk in the batsman's club. "Merv" was all class in his 65* off just 40 balls, ensuring that both he and his rival for bowling honours, Dale, had plenty of runs to defend when they went in search of glory. But it was the unlikely figure of Anthony "Flash" D'Amore, who put his up his name first on the all-time Nepo bowling "honour" board. Opening alongside Merv, Flash began with a record FIVE wides in a row! His 11 ball opening over saw him join the legendary esky-hurdling champion Keith Scott with the most deliveries in a single over. Flash did end up taking 2 wickets. Mr Ric bowled a very tidy spell for just 22 off is 8. But by time Monk, Stoney and Tum came on the game was well over with Whitchurch never attempting to make a game of it. It now appears that true Nepo bowling glory could be heading back to Lolli-Pop HQ. Bomber, replacing the wicketless Dillon, opened with an almost unplayable first-ball pop. That is, so short and so wide, the batman just managed to reach the standard long-hop and paddle it into the safe hands of Tim Hardy! A second wicket saw LPK stretch his season's tally to 33 - now 7 now ahead of Dillon. But, as Richie would surely say, it
ain't over until the last lolli-pops ... Yet, as with most games involving LPK Dale, the match was not without its controversies. With Shamley 7 wickets down and just 5 runs short of victory, a typical rip-snorting lollipop from Bomber appeared to graze the gloves of the Shamley star 8 year old batsman. Bomber chose to appeal for the catch behind by standing right in the middle of the pitch, and right in the eye-sight of Umpire Strikes Back. "Not Out" was the umpire's only option. Unimpressed by the decision, an incensed Bomber strode down the wicket, pointing his finger at their star batsman, and threatening to kill his mother and fire bomb his 3 wheeled push bike if he didn't walk. But, walk he did not, and amid much controversy, Bomber was eventually escorted back to his bowling mark. The youngster saw off the rest of Bomber's over, his next one, and the one after that, muttering to himself "stick that up your arrrrse". Needless to say, the incident secured Bomber a record 6th NACA of the season, and a 5 match suspension for season 2004. The final match of the season had started so promisingly. A magnificent buffet lunch in the vast grounds of the Drummonds was, as usual, sumptuous, and very well attended. A big thanks to Jim and Glynis for their very generous hospitality. The enthusiastic consumption of Guinness, Shiraz and Fosters had the inevitable effect of delaying the start of the game, with captain Tum agreeing to a 35-over thrash. In such a high pressured situation, what better man to open the batting than Rampant Allan Stamper? After playing some gorgeous late cuts and delicate edges through the slips, he perished for an average boosting 19, then promptly took himself plus wife and kids home, leaving Mattress to field for him. (Editor's note: Mattress claims Allan owes him £6, on account of the tea being shit and him not getting a bat or a bowl.) Cometh the moment, commeth the man. Needing just 102 to become the second man only to break the magical 1000 runs in a season mark, That Man David Stocks strode to the crease. He was soon joined by Jacko as Peter Hayley's standard Shamley cameo ended on a Peter Hayley standard score of 14. With his batting average and 1000 runs records under fire, Jacko skilfully avoided facing their fast left armer, whilst attempting to run out the young Clapham upstart at every opportunity. Sadly for Jacko, Stocks kept hitting boundaries, as he's done all season. But, it was soon to all go horribly wrong for both Jacko and Stocker. The Victorian hero (25) spooned a catch, and Stocks (36 and 934 runs for the season) soon followed, undone by one of many unplayable deliveries. Tim Hardy came and went, unluckily bowled for the 631st time in his career, having failed to trouble scorer JoElle. With overs fast running out, Stevie Werren's golden end to the season continued, as he leg side slapped a quick fire 27 before being run out backing up too far to a Merv Dillon (4) straight drive. That'll teach Stevie for running Merv out at Hampstead! A hectic finish to the innings saw Tum fail to trouble the scorers for the 3rd match in a row, but this time he managed to remain not out, which is more than can be said of the Shamley keeper, who was knocked out by one of his own players on the last ball of the rain shortened Nepo innings. 160 was a reasonable score on a small ground and dodgy wicket. With only 9 wickets to take, and 2 of them being 8 year old kids, the Nepo bowlers took to the field in confident mood. 15 overs later, Shamley were 1-90 and Nepo heads were dropping almost as fast as they were dropping catches. Merv (0-54) and Mr Ric (0-32) bowled steadily, but it was clearly a lollipop track, and there were only two bowlers for Tum to turn to - Victorians Dale and Jackson. Bomber's eventful spell went for plenty of 6s and 4s, but also plenty of wickets. Whilst the ball was denting various surrounding 17th Century cottages, Shamley were always favourites to win. Yet the wickets kept tumbling. Jacko's own peculiar version of lollipops were somehow being treated with respect, and he too joined in the wickets, Umpire Drummond giving two vital LBWs (they were plumb!) in favour of the bowler. Eventually Shamley Green's last batsboy strode to the crease with the Nepos requiring one wicket and Shamley needing 2 runs. Two overs from Bomber failed to remove the lads, and it was finally left to Jacko to wrap the game up with one last lollipop, and a one run victory. Under police escort, Bomber sheepishly led the triumphant Nepos off the ground. By this stage the local thugs had heard about "the incident" and surrounded the ground with their souped up Ford Escorts and Vauxhall Astras, the police fearing for Bomber's life. No-one else did. Despite the controversy, Bomber did take yet another 5 wickets (for 61 off 8 overs), helping him secure most wickets for the season (38) and amazingly, the 2003 bowling averages. Jacko's 4-11 off 4.5 overs proved yet again that he is the club's premier all-rounder, way ahead of Roly Monk and any other pretender. Season 2003 closed with the mighty Nepos boasting the impressive record of P23, W15, D5, L3. Well played all. Special thanks to Match Managers Tum, Deek and Luke (get well soon). Well done to fixture sec Stoney (one more season!). Excellent match reports courtesy mostly Bomber with some cameos from Deek and Jacko and other guest scribblers. To Stato Steve Werren - marvellous stuff. And finally to Club Captain Roly Monk - we couldn't have done it without you! Roll on dinner 2003, with Bomber in
NACA, and roll on season 2004. |
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